Working and Grieving as a Teacher
So I have been back to work for the past 6 weeks. The transition was not easy, and I continue to adjust to all the new students I have this year. It has been a whirlwind of events and sometimes just so overwhelming. My students have been very respectful, but have not mentioned Emerie at all. I don't know if I like this or not. On most days, I think I appreciate that they are watching themselves, and on low days, I wish someone would mention Emerie.
My coworkers all seem to be surrounding me and supporting me as best they can. We all have a lot of responsibilities so I do not expect people to stop what they are doing to check on me. On most days, I appreciate this because it is easier to work and keep busy than to to sit and cry about Emerie not being here. I have slowly begun to bond with some of the students, and it's been nice to see old students as well. It's been an encouragement to be greeted in the hallway or be visited unexpectedly. It has been during those low points where those chats and visits really matter. I don't think those students even know how much I appreciate their thoughtfulness in even greeting me.
Work is tiring. Grieving is tiring. Couple them together and man do I feel DRAINED at the end of the day. It's a tired that is just unmotivating and makes it hard to do anything after. I definitely feel as though I want to lock myself away from people now that I am back at work. Too much social interaction is very draining at this point in my life. On most days, I'm just taking it a day at a time. Who am I kidding? It's all days! God has continued to supply me with energy and strength to deal with the huge amount of students I have this year.
Some things that I have continued to struggle with:
1. Anger - That I don't have a growing baby to show off and talk about like those around me.
2. Deep Sorrow - My baby is gone and I will never see her grow up.
3. Gratitude - That God made Brandon and I parents by blessing us with Emerie.
This whole process of grieving is truly CRAZY. I feel as though I am a ball of all kinds of emotions, but mainly sadness. It's hard to find the joy in life, but I'm fighting because I know God is still good even though I'm struggling to see it right now.
So I continue on this journey, taking it a day at a time, a step at a time, not really knowing where I will end up. I miss my daughter so much, and everyday that Love that I have for her just keeps growing and growing, and I know that is why it hurts so much.
I end with reflecting on Psalm 91, and all the Psalms that I have been reading....God is my fortress, God is my refuge. God's got my back, I just need to trust Him and give him 100% control of my life.
My coworkers all seem to be surrounding me and supporting me as best they can. We all have a lot of responsibilities so I do not expect people to stop what they are doing to check on me. On most days, I appreciate this because it is easier to work and keep busy than to to sit and cry about Emerie not being here. I have slowly begun to bond with some of the students, and it's been nice to see old students as well. It's been an encouragement to be greeted in the hallway or be visited unexpectedly. It has been during those low points where those chats and visits really matter. I don't think those students even know how much I appreciate their thoughtfulness in even greeting me.
Work is tiring. Grieving is tiring. Couple them together and man do I feel DRAINED at the end of the day. It's a tired that is just unmotivating and makes it hard to do anything after. I definitely feel as though I want to lock myself away from people now that I am back at work. Too much social interaction is very draining at this point in my life. On most days, I'm just taking it a day at a time. Who am I kidding? It's all days! God has continued to supply me with energy and strength to deal with the huge amount of students I have this year.
Some things that I have continued to struggle with:
1. Anger - That I don't have a growing baby to show off and talk about like those around me.
2. Deep Sorrow - My baby is gone and I will never see her grow up.
3. Gratitude - That God made Brandon and I parents by blessing us with Emerie.
This whole process of grieving is truly CRAZY. I feel as though I am a ball of all kinds of emotions, but mainly sadness. It's hard to find the joy in life, but I'm fighting because I know God is still good even though I'm struggling to see it right now.
So I continue on this journey, taking it a day at a time, a step at a time, not really knowing where I will end up. I miss my daughter so much, and everyday that Love that I have for her just keeps growing and growing, and I know that is why it hurts so much.
I end with reflecting on Psalm 91, and all the Psalms that I have been reading....God is my fortress, God is my refuge. God's got my back, I just need to trust Him and give him 100% control of my life.
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