Christmas, Babies, and Other.

After thanksgiving, I decided to come back to the world of Facebook.  It was daunting and scary to put myself out there when I was feeling so vulnerable and weak.  I decided to go through my friends list and "clean" out those who were not walking this phase of life with me currently.  That actually felt really good, and I think Facebook has started to feel a little less daunting and more personal, if that is possible at all.

So then comes Christmas and all the preparation, parties, "joyful" spirit that comes along with the holiday.  I decided to put a tree up and some decorations, even though I came close to not putting anything Christmasy in my house.  This year, it's ABSOLUTELY different.  I have to constantly remind myself that Christmas is not about me, it's not about what I don't have, it's not about presents or who has the nicest tree, but it's about Jesus.  Now friends, maybe you are thinking this is going to be another cliche post about Jesus and Christmas, but here me out.  Jesus is the reason we have Christmas to begin with and I don't mean Santa Claus and stockings type of Christmas.  He came to this fallen broken world ( and yes, it is still fallen, and still broken) to save us and give us HOPE.  So, in the midst of my "grinch" mood, I realized, it's ok if I'm not putting lights up or acting "jolly."  It's ok if I wear black almost everyday and acknowledge that I am sad and do not feel like celebrating ANYTHING.  It's ok because in my heart this holiday is not about all that CRAP.  It's about Jesus, and truly He is the hope that I have these days that keeps me going.  Because of his sacrifice, I will see Emerie one day again. Yes, I am still really sad, yes I can't stand all the "happiness" that is around, BUT I do have joy in the midst of tears that I will see Emerie again because of Jesus.  So for this reason, I will celebrate Christmas, even if it doesn't look "normal."

Leading me to my last topic of this post....Babies.  As the days and weeks continue passing along, and more pregnant people have babies ( I guess logically that is what happens, why wouldn't they have babies), I come to realize that it is getting really hard for me to not be jealous or bitter.  So to any friends that are reading this that has a baby, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I cannot look at your baby pictures without crying.  I'm sorry that I cannot "like" your pictures either because it just reminds me of what I don't have.  I'm sorry if I avoid the topic all together, and if I don't address your baby at all for a bit.  It hurts so bad to know, that I don't have that, and don't know if I ever will.  So I hope that you can still love me through this dark time.  I know your babies are blessings, and it's not their fault, but I just can't handle it right now.  I've also realized that babies are everywhere and that I cannot hide from them.  Maybe I am being a wimp, maybe I am being mean, but man does that thorn in my heart turn everytime I see a baby, especially if they are near Emerie's age.  Maybe one day it won't be so hard.  Know that I care in my own distant way, even if it doesn't seem like it.

To end this post on a not so sad note, I'll share some bit of insight that I gleaned from Grief Share last week.  Emerie is not lost to us because we know where she is, in heaven with God.  She is safe, saved, and healed.  I don't have to worry about her salvation and I know that she is in the BEST place.  Yes, that is hard to say, but I know the truth will set me free eventually from this pain.

God Bless