On the Eve of Christmas...
As I sit here in my parents house, at their computer, I'm contemplating what to write. The past week until today has been a HUGE rollercoaster ride. I can't get into specifics, but basically my grief has been brought all the way back to the beginning. I am feeling more raw then I have before, or at least it feels that way. It's almost like the scab was starting to form, and someone ripped it off and the wound is bleeding anew. Last weekend, I even questioned being alive, and my life's meaning. Thank God that I was on the phone with my mom in that moment because honestly, would I even be alive right now writing this blog?
And maybe you are thinking, Jenn, stop being so dramatic. Honestly, I wish I could wake up from this nightmare and also stop having these crazy emotions and thoughts that haunt me DAILY. What also sucks about this journey at the moment (not like it wouldn't ever not suck) is that I am beginning to HATE crowds and I experience high anxiety at times. Last Sunday, as I was dealing with my renewed rawness, I began to be surrounded by people who care, but all I felt was walls boxing me in, babies cries taunting me, my world growing smaller and smaller. I legitimately broke down and just lost it. Who is this new me? Who am I? I cry in front of people??? I get panic attacks? WHAT! This has never been me! Like how do you move forward when you don't even recognize yourself?
Anyways, fast forward to today, where Facebook and life yet again remind me of what my husband and I don't have. Why did I come back? Why must it constantly be thrown in my face that I don't have a living baby and all my friends do? I know that not everyone this year took a baby home, but when most of the people in your friend group did, HOW can I not break down and cry and yell out to God WHY??????? I am struggling so badly to be happy for people, but I just begin to cry. Life is so UNFAIR. Life sucks sometimes, and to be surrounded by babies CONSTANTLY continues to rip at my innermost being. What am I to do? How am I to function without constantly breaking down and crying???? It's so easy for those who have never experienced my loss to try and "comfort" me, but seriously, until you have experienced the loss of a child, you will not understand.
So if you are still reading, try not to judge me. Put yourself in my shoes, how would you be handling this right now? This is my journey and struggle right now. I KNOW there is a lot to be thankful for, but when your child dies in your arms after only knowing her 3 days, the light at the end of the tunnel just grows so dim and you begin to question whether anything good can come of this life.
So here we are at Christmas Eve. Emerie is not enjoying her first X-mas. Her grandparents and aunts and uncle are not getting to hold her or feed her. One thing does remain, that even though I feel like I am in a dark hole, God still loves this broken me. Even when I am angry and yelling at him, questioning his goodness, He still remains the same. I DO NOT understand anything right now, but I also know I cannot let go of God and what Jesus did for me on the cross. What hope is there in this world if I let go of God? Am I tempted? Yes, everyday. When something this big happens, you question EVERYTHING you've ever known. I will spend today and tomorrow thanking God for sending Jesus to die on the cross for my sins. He is my only hope of ever seeing my daughter again.
As I sat reading the book of Job this morning I sit and continue to contemplate Job 1:27
"He said, naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
I have nothing good to tie this all up with then to say appreciate what you have because nothing in life is guaranteed. As I struggle to look for and appreciate the good, I know that at the end of the day God is holding everything together and I have to continue working on trusting him. These words alone, easier said than done, especially when you lose a child.
And maybe you are thinking, Jenn, stop being so dramatic. Honestly, I wish I could wake up from this nightmare and also stop having these crazy emotions and thoughts that haunt me DAILY. What also sucks about this journey at the moment (not like it wouldn't ever not suck) is that I am beginning to HATE crowds and I experience high anxiety at times. Last Sunday, as I was dealing with my renewed rawness, I began to be surrounded by people who care, but all I felt was walls boxing me in, babies cries taunting me, my world growing smaller and smaller. I legitimately broke down and just lost it. Who is this new me? Who am I? I cry in front of people??? I get panic attacks? WHAT! This has never been me! Like how do you move forward when you don't even recognize yourself?
Anyways, fast forward to today, where Facebook and life yet again remind me of what my husband and I don't have. Why did I come back? Why must it constantly be thrown in my face that I don't have a living baby and all my friends do? I know that not everyone this year took a baby home, but when most of the people in your friend group did, HOW can I not break down and cry and yell out to God WHY??????? I am struggling so badly to be happy for people, but I just begin to cry. Life is so UNFAIR. Life sucks sometimes, and to be surrounded by babies CONSTANTLY continues to rip at my innermost being. What am I to do? How am I to function without constantly breaking down and crying???? It's so easy for those who have never experienced my loss to try and "comfort" me, but seriously, until you have experienced the loss of a child, you will not understand.
So if you are still reading, try not to judge me. Put yourself in my shoes, how would you be handling this right now? This is my journey and struggle right now. I KNOW there is a lot to be thankful for, but when your child dies in your arms after only knowing her 3 days, the light at the end of the tunnel just grows so dim and you begin to question whether anything good can come of this life.
So here we are at Christmas Eve. Emerie is not enjoying her first X-mas. Her grandparents and aunts and uncle are not getting to hold her or feed her. One thing does remain, that even though I feel like I am in a dark hole, God still loves this broken me. Even when I am angry and yelling at him, questioning his goodness, He still remains the same. I DO NOT understand anything right now, but I also know I cannot let go of God and what Jesus did for me on the cross. What hope is there in this world if I let go of God? Am I tempted? Yes, everyday. When something this big happens, you question EVERYTHING you've ever known. I will spend today and tomorrow thanking God for sending Jesus to die on the cross for my sins. He is my only hope of ever seeing my daughter again.
As I sat reading the book of Job this morning I sit and continue to contemplate Job 1:27
"He said, naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
I have nothing good to tie this all up with then to say appreciate what you have because nothing in life is guaranteed. As I struggle to look for and appreciate the good, I know that at the end of the day God is holding everything together and I have to continue working on trusting him. These words alone, easier said than done, especially when you lose a child.
Thank you for sharing your heart with such honesty and vulnerability. You are brave to share as you do. Love you Jen. We continue to remember Emerie and mourn her loss with you. I wish she was here too. Thank you for the ornament. It keeps her present in our homes during this holiday, although she is always present in our hearts. :') love you Jen.
ReplyDeleteLove you!
DeleteI am on the same rollercoaster. Take heart that you aren't alone, even when it feels like you are. The crowds, the babies...I can relate to it all. It's been 4 months without Charlotte and it has been feeling like day 1 all over again. Praying for you. We have changed forever and that is okay. Just one step at a time...one day at a time.
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