Celebrations, Tears, A New Year
2017 is here. Wow. At times I felt as if last year was never going to come to an end. At other times, I wanted time to stand still because I wasn't ready to move on from Emerie's passing. So what do I feel today, January 1st, 2017? Not much different. I face this year without my daughter, who I thought would be here. I face a year of continual grieving and challenges that come along with losing a baby. I face Emerie's first birthday in 7 months. Before I get carried away, let me write about my last few days here in CA.
Let me touch on something good that happened at the end of 2016. My sister got married and actually my cousin got engaged, so that was a great way to end such a tough year. My sister's wedding was great because I got to see relatives that I had not seen in a long time. It was so much fun to be there with family and friends celebrating my sister. I do have to admit that it was very stressful and my anxiety was really high. However, I tried to focus on my sister and not let that go from my focus. The hard part came as people asked me how I was doing. Learning to talk about things at an appropriate time has been difficult at times. This was a good time to practice choosing when and to whom I would talk about Emerie with and so I navigated the crowd as best possible.
Tears have definitely been present throughout my winter vacation. Emerie is missing from all the get-togethers and celebrations. It's hard to pretend to be happy when it should be different. That's something I have realized that I struggle to do. I am avoiding my grieving and not wanting to dwell and be sad. I haven't really given myself as much space as I've needed to grieve Emerie's absence. However, grieving has caught up with me and has definitely forced me to slow down. These holidays have been completely different. My energy level and anxiety have been high causing me to not want to be in crowds or foreign places for too long. It sucks because I want to be happy and energetic, but it's really not happening at times. I've tried to enjoy my time as much as possible, but I feel like my family is getting the short end of he stick.
So here we are, the New Year. I don't feel much different. It just feels like I'm continuing in the same muck from last year. My journey along this grieving path has felt like me walking up a mountain while there's a mudslide. It was great to be with family, and great to laugh, but it doesn't change the fact that Emerie is still missing and we are still HIGHLY sad. My emotions go from sad to angry constantly. Thinking of what I will have to face when I get back home just makes me feel drained. I know I must continue to go to church, but I dread the crowds, and the people with babies. I dread those who are going to be expecting this year and having babies around Emerie's birthday, and dread not knowing if we will ever have kids on earth. I dread the moment that someone will completely forget about Emerie or make me feel as if I should be "better." But as my mom told me, I guess I need to just focus on today and stop worrying about what's going to happen tomorrow because it's not guaranteed.
As Emerie's 5 month birthday comes along, I continue to just move forward in this crappiness that I am in. I am attempting to read through the book of Job, and that has been comforting because Job lamented openly. I'm going to work on my lamenting because I need to continue growing in my grief. I know that only I can do the work and no one else. No one else will ever understand this feeling unless they themselves have walked this path. I must learn to expect absolutely nothing so that I don't get more hurt by others. I also need to continue reminding myself of the things and people that I do have in my life because there is good there even though I don't want to see it.
So here we go...2017. My resolution or goal for life, to be a better mom to Emerie. Yes she is not on Earth, but I am still her mom. I'm going to work on me and focus on making Emerie proud. I only have control over myself in this life.
Let me touch on something good that happened at the end of 2016. My sister got married and actually my cousin got engaged, so that was a great way to end such a tough year. My sister's wedding was great because I got to see relatives that I had not seen in a long time. It was so much fun to be there with family and friends celebrating my sister. I do have to admit that it was very stressful and my anxiety was really high. However, I tried to focus on my sister and not let that go from my focus. The hard part came as people asked me how I was doing. Learning to talk about things at an appropriate time has been difficult at times. This was a good time to practice choosing when and to whom I would talk about Emerie with and so I navigated the crowd as best possible.
Tears have definitely been present throughout my winter vacation. Emerie is missing from all the get-togethers and celebrations. It's hard to pretend to be happy when it should be different. That's something I have realized that I struggle to do. I am avoiding my grieving and not wanting to dwell and be sad. I haven't really given myself as much space as I've needed to grieve Emerie's absence. However, grieving has caught up with me and has definitely forced me to slow down. These holidays have been completely different. My energy level and anxiety have been high causing me to not want to be in crowds or foreign places for too long. It sucks because I want to be happy and energetic, but it's really not happening at times. I've tried to enjoy my time as much as possible, but I feel like my family is getting the short end of he stick.
So here we are, the New Year. I don't feel much different. It just feels like I'm continuing in the same muck from last year. My journey along this grieving path has felt like me walking up a mountain while there's a mudslide. It was great to be with family, and great to laugh, but it doesn't change the fact that Emerie is still missing and we are still HIGHLY sad. My emotions go from sad to angry constantly. Thinking of what I will have to face when I get back home just makes me feel drained. I know I must continue to go to church, but I dread the crowds, and the people with babies. I dread those who are going to be expecting this year and having babies around Emerie's birthday, and dread not knowing if we will ever have kids on earth. I dread the moment that someone will completely forget about Emerie or make me feel as if I should be "better." But as my mom told me, I guess I need to just focus on today and stop worrying about what's going to happen tomorrow because it's not guaranteed.
As Emerie's 5 month birthday comes along, I continue to just move forward in this crappiness that I am in. I am attempting to read through the book of Job, and that has been comforting because Job lamented openly. I'm going to work on my lamenting because I need to continue growing in my grief. I know that only I can do the work and no one else. No one else will ever understand this feeling unless they themselves have walked this path. I must learn to expect absolutely nothing so that I don't get more hurt by others. I also need to continue reminding myself of the things and people that I do have in my life because there is good there even though I don't want to see it.
So here we go...2017. My resolution or goal for life, to be a better mom to Emerie. Yes she is not on Earth, but I am still her mom. I'm going to work on me and focus on making Emerie proud. I only have control over myself in this life.
Jennifer-I have never known this kind of pain. I go through my daily life and think of you often. Your faith is incredible. I would have lost mine entirely by now. Emerie lives through you and your faith. I'm quite certain there will never be any words of comfort or consolation to ease your pain, but I know how strong and tenacious you are and am certain that she is super proud to call you "mom." God Bless you and Brandon. -Dawn
ReplyDeleteThanks Dawn
DeleteJennifer, you are a wonderful person, with a pure soul. It saddens me to know how much you are hurting and how difficult it not having emerie next to you. I pray for you to continue having the strength you need to continue your everyday chores. And that things that you see and hurt, hurt a little less as the days pass by. Your mom is right focus on the today. You are in my mind, heart, and prayers. You are a strong mother, and emerie is always by your side.
ReplyDelete