Then there were TWO
I had a miscarriage last month.
Only certain people know this because it has been really hard to talk about.
I lost the baby at 6 weeks, and miscarried 4 weeks later.
It was a painful, depressing, a grueling experience.
But there I said it. It's out there. I cannot take it back. I put my vulnerability out there for all to observe and comment on.
I am nowhere near healed from losing Emerie, and now I am grieving a second loss. This is my journey, and it sucks for me.
I've been working on challenging my perspective and trying to focus on the things I do have in this life presently, but it's a daily struggle. Recently, I was at an event where it felt like everyone had a baby but me. It was suffocating and altogether sad because it felt like I was outside the bubble and no one acknowledged me in my pain, but 2 people (thank God!) I guess this is the norm now. I will not fit in with young moms or moms that only talk about their kids because my child is not here. It was big for me to recognize this yesterday because I didn't realize I was holding the resentment inside.
It's been 8 months since Emerie has passed. You may wonder, aren't you over it? Hasn't it been enough time? NO! It has gotten worse emotionally, especially after miscarrying. I have sought out counseling because I feel I need that support. I am struggling inwardly, even though I wear a smile. I think people think I'm okay, but I am not. I am functioning and going through life, but really, I am not okay. I continue to grieve and miss Emerie. I hurt for this second baby, who we named Elie. I wonder if Emerie is holding hands with Elie and showing him/her heaven and all the wonderful things. Even though it hurts like HELL to say this, I know she is in a better place and I know she is with the best being/person possible ever....JESUS. It does bring me joy in the midst of my pain and deep sorrow. She is up there not needing anything and receiving a LOVE like no other.
So here I am, a mess because I have to live this life without my two children. Somehow I am still teaching and getting through most of my tasks, but I'm not going to lie, I am struggling with sorrow, depression, bitterness and anger.
I did get bloodwork done after the miscarriage, and found out that I have 2 blood-clotting disorders (MTHFR and PAI 5G/6G). Basically, my blood clots too much and also does not break up folic acid as it should...so also trying to learn more about this and live with this...still a bit confused and overwhelmed. Not really sure about the future and childbearing, so please don't ask...I cry or panic or both every time I think of attempting more children.
I'm sorry this is so unpleasant and sad, but it's the honest truth. I am drawing, reading, and journaling, so hopefully this will help me destress. I know I need to exercise and eat right, those are next on the list of getting my life in order, but so is cleaning and keeping up with owning a home....sigh....the struggle is real.
God Bless All. Thanks for reading. Pray for us.
Only certain people know this because it has been really hard to talk about.
I lost the baby at 6 weeks, and miscarried 4 weeks later.
It was a painful, depressing, a grueling experience.
But there I said it. It's out there. I cannot take it back. I put my vulnerability out there for all to observe and comment on.
I am nowhere near healed from losing Emerie, and now I am grieving a second loss. This is my journey, and it sucks for me.
I've been working on challenging my perspective and trying to focus on the things I do have in this life presently, but it's a daily struggle. Recently, I was at an event where it felt like everyone had a baby but me. It was suffocating and altogether sad because it felt like I was outside the bubble and no one acknowledged me in my pain, but 2 people (thank God!) I guess this is the norm now. I will not fit in with young moms or moms that only talk about their kids because my child is not here. It was big for me to recognize this yesterday because I didn't realize I was holding the resentment inside.
It's been 8 months since Emerie has passed. You may wonder, aren't you over it? Hasn't it been enough time? NO! It has gotten worse emotionally, especially after miscarrying. I have sought out counseling because I feel I need that support. I am struggling inwardly, even though I wear a smile. I think people think I'm okay, but I am not. I am functioning and going through life, but really, I am not okay. I continue to grieve and miss Emerie. I hurt for this second baby, who we named Elie. I wonder if Emerie is holding hands with Elie and showing him/her heaven and all the wonderful things. Even though it hurts like HELL to say this, I know she is in a better place and I know she is with the best being/person possible ever....JESUS. It does bring me joy in the midst of my pain and deep sorrow. She is up there not needing anything and receiving a LOVE like no other.
So here I am, a mess because I have to live this life without my two children. Somehow I am still teaching and getting through most of my tasks, but I'm not going to lie, I am struggling with sorrow, depression, bitterness and anger.
I did get bloodwork done after the miscarriage, and found out that I have 2 blood-clotting disorders (MTHFR and PAI 5G/6G). Basically, my blood clots too much and also does not break up folic acid as it should...so also trying to learn more about this and live with this...still a bit confused and overwhelmed. Not really sure about the future and childbearing, so please don't ask...I cry or panic or both every time I think of attempting more children.
I'm sorry this is so unpleasant and sad, but it's the honest truth. I am drawing, reading, and journaling, so hopefully this will help me destress. I know I need to exercise and eat right, those are next on the list of getting my life in order, but so is cleaning and keeping up with owning a home....sigh....the struggle is real.
God Bless All. Thanks for reading. Pray for us.
Jen, I'm always here for you. I think of Emerie, and now you and Brandon's second child. It is heartbreaking. Feel it. Feel ok with being broken. I cannot begin to imagine your struggle, nor will I pretend to. I lift you all up in prayer and feel confident that ALL of your children, both with Jesus and those to come, will be loved deeply. Bless you both! Dawn
ReplyDelete