Aria's Arrival Story and After

Well this blog has been long in coming...or at least it feels that way since now all the days and hours are blending together... LOL.  Anyways, I wanted to take time to blog down Aria's birth story and some of what was experienced throughout this process.

It has been a whirlwind ride so far...thinking back to January 9th when Aria did not pass her tests and our doctor recommended us to go to the hospital sooner.  Going back to that day, I remember just feeling a moment of panic, but gratitude that I would not have to wait much longer because honestly the anxiety was HIGH.  That night, we spent it in the hospital, and I was continuously monitored along with Aria.  It was a relief but also a nightmare because here we were again, at the hospital because something might be or go possibly wrong.  Every single fear from the past year was being re-lived and I had to come to terms with being ok with staying in the hospital.  This was the best/safest place for me, even though last time it was the hardest most painful place to be in...

We made it through the morning, with very little sleep.  The hours seemed to drag by, but I was also comforted in hearing Aria's heartbeat; it was soothing to my soul and heart.  Noon on January 10th  finally came around, I could not stop from shaking or feeling extra nervous.  Again, I had to come to terms with having another c-section and hoping that it was not going to be a repeat of the last one I had.  It was surprisingly calm and peaceful, and I must admit that it was through all the prayers and God's hand that I got through it and not run away the moment I stepped into the OR.

It was all slow motion after the spinal tap; what a weird sensation to not feel your lower half nor be able to control your body at all.   Aria was born 20 minutes after they started the surgery.  The most amazing sound was hearing her cry! She cried the moment she was out of the womb! How did she know that we desperately wanted to hear her cry!?! We did not get to hear Emerie cry nor see her awake, so this was so big for us.  The next moments were fast and beautiful; through the tears and the light-headedness Aria was passing all the tests, crying, and finally brought to rest on my chest.  She did not have to go to NICU; what a HUGE relief.

One thought that I clearly remembered was looking at Aria and seeing her as an individual.  Yes she resembled Emerie, but she was also different.  How a heart can grow like this and love another child is amazing, and I can't even explain the love that I feel for all my children now...it's surreal and unconditional.  The rest of the hospital stay was trying and good in it's own way.  Part of me wanted to leave immediately because I kept remembering the last time we were there.  Luckily all the nurses were aware of our story and were very sensitive and accommodating to us.  Even though Emerie was not there, she was very present in our thoughts, hearts, and conversations.

Learning to care for a newborn is intense, especially after a c-section.  Thank God for Brandon and my mother being there to help when I could not get up or move as much because of the pain.  One thing that hit me right off the bat was the anxiety of continually knowing that Aria was OK.  Every whimper, every cry, every little sound, I just was on hyper vigilance.  One thing that did end up getting to me was Aria not latching well and my milk not really arriving until after I returned from the hospital.  There was a moment of feeling like I had failed Aria as a mother because I could not effectively feed her and that was a miserable moment to experience.  When you have lost a baby, as much as you don't want to feel guilty, you feel guilty in some way, that you failed to keep them alive.  So the added pressure to take care of Aria was/is amplified by my loss.

Anyways, we were able to go home after 48 hours and what a blessing that was to actually walk out of the hospital with a living, breathing baby!  WOW....something that I used to take for granted before Emerie was born... Going home was also a surreal moment, recognizing that I questioned EVER bringing a living baby home, and now Aria was here being introduced to her home was a beautiful reality.

The following days have blended together and honestly I can't believe it has now been 9 days since Aria was born.  Sleepless nights, catnaps, poopy diapers, a crying infant. pumping, feeding, healing from my surgery, have all been BEAUTIFUL to experience.  Yes it's hard and I wonder if I'm ever going to sleep a full night again, BUT I do not have any regrets nor resentment.  All these things that we take for granted, I am so thankful for and am willing to continue to do them as menial as they may seem to others.  I am SO GRATEFUL for this living and breathing baby that God has gifted us so graciously.  Our prayers were heard and answered. 

We visited Emerie's grave today with Aria.  This is the only place we can go to "visit" Emerie and so we wanted to introduce Aria to it because it will also be a big part of her life as well.  I do want to revisit my grief in another blog because it deserves to be revisited now that a new baby has been born and brought home.  However, for now, this is it.  Know that we are very joyful even though we miss Emerie and wonder even more now that Aria has come home.

Keep praying for us as we navigate this new life as "new" but not so new parents.
God Bless
Until Next Time

-Jenn