My March Madness, the Newness of Spring, and the Return to Work

This is going to be sweet and short because I am struggling with energy and motivation at this point.

March was mad! Mad means crazy also if you didn't know...and that's how it felt.  Grief assailed me night and day at times, just constantly reminding me of Emerie and everything that could never be and also the anniversary of miscarrying Elie...I know that grief is a form of love unanswered, BUT SERIOUSLY COULD I GET A BREAK! I still have to care for a baby, my family and myself, and somehow I have to handle all these emotions.  It's physically draining and seriously I struggled with motivation most days.  It was a constant bounce back from joy to grief, happy to sad, peaceful to angry, rejoicing to depressed, and just comparing our family to others and starting this whole crazy, mad process all over again.  I guess, my love and wonder for Emerie and Elie will never end, and so I must learn to deal! Dealing is hard...and sometimes I feel like I'm crawling along, barely able to lift my head.

With March came Spring and Easter..."newness" represented in both.  However, I think in Fort Wayne we have just started a second winter, just saying... "Winter has come" and stayed lol sorry GoT reference lol anyways....this did help me to look forward to newness, growth, blooming of flowers.  Something about Spring just signals all these things...anyways it did help to brighten my thoughts, especially when I saw my perennials coming up (those are flowers for those who don't have a green thumb). This newness that comes with having another child, the possibilities, and the hope for the future. Even through the grief, joy sprouts up through the layer of emotions, and begins to spread its roots in me.

Easter was hard again this year because of course all I could think about was the hope I have to see Emerie and Elie again.  I know my first thoughts should have been about seeing God and Jesus, and I realized I am still a work in progress there, but I can't help but to want to see them and know them.  I'm sorry God...

And now the dreaded night before I return to work.... UGH.
I know that it will be good for me to finish the year, close this chapter, but man am I anxious and everything in between.  The main concern, how my tiredness will affect my attitude and job performance. LOL I am still exclusively pumping, and so no I
am not sleeping through the night with Aria.  Yes it has been my choice, and most days I am happy with it, but we will see what happens as I return to work...and sleep becomes a lot more important.

This blogpost has been crazy...this is the craziness in my head...and really it's like the cliff notes version of everything....and really I don't want to bore you/overwhelm you with my craziness.

Pray for me...for us...as we transition into the newness of this next phase...6 weeks and two days... I can do this....Jesus help me....

Peace out friends!
God Bless
Until Next time!

Comments

  1. Deanna RaineyApril 8, 2018 at 6:44 PM

    You can do it girl! I'll be praying for you! I pumped exclusively with both of mine while working. Just think, in a few weeks, you'll have the whole summer with Aria! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jenn H.April 9, 2018 at 2:37 AM

      Thank you !! I appreciate the encouragement!

      Delete

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