The Raw, the Ugly, and the Uncomfortable

I have thought over and over again on what to blog about and it's just endless.

I guess I could tell you about how angry it makes me when people try to say Emerie's death is a "good" thing because God redeems all things.  Half of that is true...but Emerie's death will never be a "good" thing.  Stop trying to find the silver lining in this cloud...there isn't any! I wish everyday that she wouldn't have died, and I still do not understand why!

Or God know's best! So the best for me was Emerie's death?! WHAT! Are people even thinking when saying these things!? I know as humans we want to try and find the "best" in every situation, but you know what...sometimes there just isn't! The situation is just crap! Losing a child is crappy! Period!

Then after these two statements we can talk about how I am obviously STILL struggling with major issues...like TRUSTING God.  I'll admit it! My anxiety on a daily basis is doubting that God is listening to my prayers. It's hard when you have prayed in the past for healing and then you lose your child because then you begin to question if God hears and answers prayers.

Sidenote: My brain knows that God does, but my heart is still struggling because of what happened in the past.  So please Christian friends, don't think I need a major intervention...I just need major prayer if you think of me.

And maybe ALL of this is just my grief hitting me in waves this month as it is always worse building up towards Emerie's birthday.  Maybe this is just my raw open pain that just can't seem to understand that it will always be there...and how have I survived this whole time hurting so much...how...

I am a mess.  This is the ugly truth.  Oh yea and did I mention that recently someone still insisted on calling Aria the "first" even after I said she wasn't...I DO NOT APPRECIATE you disregarding Emerie, who is my first, who did exist, even if it is uncomfortable for you!!!!

I am so angry at this world...I am so angry that people are so insensitive or uncomfortable so they just think of how to make the conversation better for them....

Death is part of life! Why are we so uncomfortable to talk about it! To talk about the person who isn't here anymore! They existed! They were real! No matter how old, they mattered!!!!!

Forgive me for my angry post....really it's just me hurting...still...
God forgive me for doubting you...
Forgive me for failing everyday to trust you...

Thank you for making it through this painful post...I'm pretty sure more will come...but here it is...the raw and the ugly...in anticipation to Emerie's  birthday & anniversary dates...

Thank you for loving me through this...

Comments

  1. UnknownJuly 20, 2018 at 11:43 PM

    BE ANGRY! It’s okay to be upset. Just because humans have the tendency to show what we feel is disregard does not mean GOD feels that way. Healing is difficult, especially with death. I still mourn the loss of my grandparents from when I was 9 & 11. I cannot imagine how you feel after losing a child.

    I will never compare our situations but I do want you to try and understand what I’m saying..It is natural to have doubts and fears but DON’T ever think you lost Him in your heart. You wrote this so beautifully and raw for others to see. It could potentially help another which is proof that He is very much in your heart. In therapy I learned that PTSD changes the chemicals in your brain. It is possible that you struggle from a bit of that and that is where the doubt and fears and lack of understanding come from. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

    Please don’t hesitate to message, call, or email me.

    -Chanel

    P.S. The carelessness if others does not negate that Emerie is your third child. Your others mean just as much and are just as important as she is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jenn H.July 22, 2018 at 6:45 PM

      Thank you for that Chanel! I would agree...I think I do struggle with PTSD...what we went through was super traumatic...and maybe I need to revisit therapy...thank you for taking the time to read and write this!

      Delete

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