2nd Year Grief, Countdown Reset, and Closer to Emerie

 Leading up to Emerie's 2nd birthday I was struggling as you could tell from my last post.  I was doubting God, mad at Him, questioning, and just generally struggling to find peace. The flashbacks were also horrible; there were moments that would just hit me and my emotions would be instantly dragged back to that day when I lost Emerie.

The last time I heard her breathe, the first and last time I held her, the realization that she was dead but I couldn't let her go, couldn't stop wishing that God would resurrect her like Lazarus, screaming and crying like I never had done before, calling family and friends to tell them the devastating news, feeling so broken that I thought I was going to die.

And then we arrive to Emerie's birthday.  After weeks of being in conflict with God, He comes back at me with the biggest sign of Love that just broke me.  Friends in Fort Wayne decided to gather at Emerie's grave and sing Happy Birthday to her without us knowing!  The tears kept flowing and my turmoil was immediately transformed into humility and awe.  Who are we to deserve such kindness?  Who am I to have such love shown to me when I would soon turn around and question God when I don't understand? How amazing that others would take the time to remember Emerie, cue the endless tears of a loss mom that is in constant fear of her daughter being forgotten.

I planned a birthday party for her because I felt like her beautiful life deserved a celebration.  Family and friends that were not able to fly out to Indiana when she passed away came to support us and celebrate, even though it was sad because the guest of honor was missing.  I was able to share about  1 Corinthians 15:54-55 and how even though we will miss Emerie for the rest of our lives, we hold onto the hope through Jesus that one day we will see Emerie again.  It was such a beautiful day, and how weird for me to say that on Emerie's birthday.  God truly hugged us through it through people.

Today, the last day of our trip, and Emerie's heaven anniversary, I wanted to end it at the beach.  I decided to write Emerie's name in the sand by the water, as I had seen others do for their loved ones, and also write little notes and fold them up as paper boats to send off into the ocean.  It was such a calming feeling to be next to the water, the wind, the waves, and I just felt at peace.  Thank you God.

So here is to another year with Emerie, but I guess she has always been with us in our hearts.  2nd year grief was just as bad as first, sometimes even worse because the fog had worn off and reality of the whole situation set in.  Even though some may not mention Emerie or just focus on Aria, know that my pain is still there, even if I am not constantly crying.  Hearing and seeing Emerie's name makes me happy! This is a lifelong burden that I will carry, it doesn't go away because I have another child or because time continues going.  Grief doesn't follow a timeline nor does it have an end date.  It simply transforms over time.

So here I am...ending my night and trip with Emerie's anniversary, the countdown is now reset again, year three here we go, but I slowly begin to take comfort in knowing that as time keeps going I get closer to meeting you Emerie.  Mommy and Daddy will continue remembering and telling others about your precious little life, that has affected so many people in ways that I never thought a child of mine would do.  Of course I wish you were still here, of course I wish things hadn't happened the way they did, but here I am with these broken pieces that I hope to put together and make something beautiful out of it.

God Bless and thanks for reading.
Till next time.