Another Birthday, Another Trigger

Grief is my constant companion because it represents my love for Emerie and Elie. It will never go away. Just typing this and putting it into words is a tough pill to swallow at times. This burden, at times,  is heavy and I feel suffocated. Other times I feel crazy because I am extremely happy to have Aria but at the same time I am extremely sad that Emerie isn't here too... And sometimes I feel light and peaceful, which is so strange because I still feel sad underneath it.

So this year, year 2 after Emerie, I thought my birthday would be light, possibly I would feel at peace and not so burdened. However, I was mistaken.  All summer, I kept watching more family and friends continued to have their second or third child without complications. Let me take a pause here and say that I am not wishing bad ON ANYONE! In fact, I am genuinely happy for all who were blessed with another living child, and this has been a life lesson for me to be happy for others even when I am sad or mad about my own situation.  So please don't misinterpret this blog as me hating on others or wishing bad on others because that is not my heart or intention.

So as I kept watching one baby born after another, I did not realize that inwardly my grief was building up, like a dam about to explode, until finally it did on my birthday.  How do I begin to explain this immense wave of grief that is still lingering even now? How do I paint a sad picture of my broken heart that continues to weep as time goes on because losing a child never gets easier with time, it just transforms. See I thought others' pregnancies wouldn't affect me as much anymore, but I was so mistaken. The reality hit me that Emerie did not get to hold her baby sister Aria, Aria did not get to gaze upon her big sister, and to outsiders we are a family of 3.  I am not as strong as I appear, in fact I am weak and broken still.  Yes, even after the HUGE blessing that Aria is and was for us this year, I am still sad because one child does not replace another nor would I ever expect that to be true.  The heartbreaking thing is people treating Aria's birth as the fix for losing Emerie, the fix for being scared about having children, the fix for everything.

I am sad because Aria is growing up as the "oldest" even though she is not.  Realizing that even she is different for not having Emerie around, broke me.  She might have been trying to follow Emerie around, pushing her to learn to move faster.  Emerie and Aria would probably have secret baby conversations, Emerie might be struggling to share; all the things that come with having an older sibling, Aria will never experience.  This realization hit me like a brick wall and I feel like I am still dizzy with sadness after the realization of this truth.  Aria is forever changed by Emerie's death too, and she doesn't even know it.

As I've been interacting with more and more parents, I have also realized that I am still an outsider in the non-loss world.  Aria is my third child, but that doesn't mean she isn't/wasn't as important as Emerie.  I want to do anything and everything with her and for her to enjoy this time because I didn't get a chance to do anything with Emerie.  It bothers me when parents talk about their 2nd or 3rd and so on as if they didn't matter as much as the first.  And it's not that I am judging their parenting, it just hurts me because they forget that not everyone has had the opportunity to raise multiple living children, and a long healthy life is not a guarantee for any child.  It's insensitive and I just cannot relate to this "nonchalant" attitude people have when they have children.  Every child matters, whether they are the 1st or the 10th.  I hope to be able to have wisdom and speak up in these situations because staying silent just makes me hurt more.

So this is where I am at right now...I struggled to even put into words all these heavy feelings I have been feeling, but I figured I would try.
Thanks for reading.

God Bless

Comments

  1. UnknownSeptember 23, 2018 at 3:13 AM

    You will continue hitting these “first time” moments for a while until suddenly you aren’t and you no longer feel the struggle of having some new thing to cope with. Stay strong by continuing to fight, keep writing, and never give up.

    Aria may not grow up knowing what it’s like to be the little sister, but she will grow up knowing without a doubt that she is her parents miracle child. She will always know how wanted and loved she is and that’s a blessing most of us will never know.

    By the way afte 18 birthdays just suck in general. I spent mine in the ER from a massive panic attack.

    Always with Love,
    Chanel

    PS I’m always here for you.

    ReplyDelete

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