Happy Birthday Aria!
What a huge milestone to reach! Year 1 complete! What a huge miracle that Aria is for us and blessing from God. We recognize that no one is guaranteed children, even if they want them badly. We know that just because you get pregnant and give birth doesn't mean that your baby will be healthy and live. We know that tragedy can strike at any moment of anyone's life because nothing in this life is guaranteed. Nothing. But as humans, especially Christians, we believe that if we do certain things a certain way, we will get our way. What a rude awakening Brandon and I had after we lost Emerie and then following her death, miscarrying Elie. So it wasn't until we saw a heartbeat for Aria that we possibly saw a glimmer of hope at the end of the long tunnel of pregnancy and suffering.
When she was born and she cried immediately, the flood gates opened, my heart expanded even bigger than I ever could imagine, yet it also broke a little bit more knowing that our lives, and especially Aria's would not be the same as if her sister were still alive.
So I sit here reflecting on Aria's first birthday. All the craziness of that day and the night before, anticipating, waiting, scared out of our minds that we were going to leave the hospital empty-handed again....but THANK GOD HE showed us mercy and we left the hospital with a healthy baby girl.
This year has grown me and stretched me continually, pushed me to keep going for Aria, especially in those deep moments of grief. There has been a healing to part of my soul, but nevertheless, there will always be an Emerie shaped hole. No amount of living children will ever fill it. I rejoiced in all the milestones of Aria and then cried because Emerie never got to experience them. I became frustrated at times with a strong-willed baby, but then stopped to think, "would Emerie have done this too?" On and on the parallels continue...as if there is an invisible race next to Aria. I made sure Aria wore all of Emerie's clothes, used all Emerie's things, and even felt good when things became dirty and worn. This meant a baby had in fact used them...remembering how 2 years ago I had put it all away, clean and never worn.
Aria is her own person. She is smart, active and beautiful. I continue to wonder how she would be with an older sister to play, interact, fight with...this will never stop.
Just as I am happy that Aria has reached this milestone, I am assailed with grief. I did not realize that this milestone was going to wreck me as equally as my happiness. It has been a struggle to remain sane or manage these two sentiments. Seeing Aria smash her cake, laughing, and the next minute crying because Emerie didn't get to do that too.
It has been such a struggle because I feel so guilty. Guilty for not being able to feel 100% happy for Aria. I hope she knows that I love her the same, even if I need to step away to cry, or am silent at times, trying to hold my composure. I do know that I must push through, process my grief, talk about it, but keep going, if not for me, but for Aria.
So friends, yes this is an awesome day, but it's also a hard day. Please pray for us as we continue to navigate the milestones and the many more waves of grief. I pray that Aria wouldn't ever feel like she is less special or cared for, even if we are sad at times throughout her life.
This journey is so heavy at times, but I am thankful that we are surrounded by people who love and support us. We carry on, attempting to enjoy everyday, knowing that there is no guarantee for tomorrow. Happy Birthday sweet Aria, I hope you know how much we love you.
God Bless
Thanks for reading
-Jenn
When she was born and she cried immediately, the flood gates opened, my heart expanded even bigger than I ever could imagine, yet it also broke a little bit more knowing that our lives, and especially Aria's would not be the same as if her sister were still alive.
So I sit here reflecting on Aria's first birthday. All the craziness of that day and the night before, anticipating, waiting, scared out of our minds that we were going to leave the hospital empty-handed again....but THANK GOD HE showed us mercy and we left the hospital with a healthy baby girl.
This year has grown me and stretched me continually, pushed me to keep going for Aria, especially in those deep moments of grief. There has been a healing to part of my soul, but nevertheless, there will always be an Emerie shaped hole. No amount of living children will ever fill it. I rejoiced in all the milestones of Aria and then cried because Emerie never got to experience them. I became frustrated at times with a strong-willed baby, but then stopped to think, "would Emerie have done this too?" On and on the parallels continue...as if there is an invisible race next to Aria. I made sure Aria wore all of Emerie's clothes, used all Emerie's things, and even felt good when things became dirty and worn. This meant a baby had in fact used them...remembering how 2 years ago I had put it all away, clean and never worn.
Aria is her own person. She is smart, active and beautiful. I continue to wonder how she would be with an older sister to play, interact, fight with...this will never stop.
Just as I am happy that Aria has reached this milestone, I am assailed with grief. I did not realize that this milestone was going to wreck me as equally as my happiness. It has been a struggle to remain sane or manage these two sentiments. Seeing Aria smash her cake, laughing, and the next minute crying because Emerie didn't get to do that too.
It has been such a struggle because I feel so guilty. Guilty for not being able to feel 100% happy for Aria. I hope she knows that I love her the same, even if I need to step away to cry, or am silent at times, trying to hold my composure. I do know that I must push through, process my grief, talk about it, but keep going, if not for me, but for Aria.
So friends, yes this is an awesome day, but it's also a hard day. Please pray for us as we continue to navigate the milestones and the many more waves of grief. I pray that Aria wouldn't ever feel like she is less special or cared for, even if we are sad at times throughout her life.
This journey is so heavy at times, but I am thankful that we are surrounded by people who love and support us. We carry on, attempting to enjoy everyday, knowing that there is no guarantee for tomorrow. Happy Birthday sweet Aria, I hope you know how much we love you.
God Bless
Thanks for reading
-Jenn
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| Aria 8 days old with her sister Emerie. Our beautiful girls. |
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