The Day You Died, A Year Later
Surreal, that's what I would describe today as being for us. A year ago, I held Emerie as she took her last breathe on this Earth, around 10:00am in the morning. Just as I had changed when she was born, I changed again when she died. Never again would life be the same again. There was before Emerie, and now it was after Emerie. My world came crashing down in that instant, my heart broke into a million pieces, and if it wasn't for Brandon and my mom, I think physically I would have fallen apart as well. I have never cried so hard in my life, wailed so deeply that it hurt. Everything I thought I knew, just faded away. Even in the hours to come, of cleaning her, brushing her hair, holding her, kissing her, I was hoping that God would bring her back like He did Lazarus. But He didn't. (I'll save those thoughts for another blog.) Leaving her little body there was probably the hardest thing I had to do, walk away, when everything inside me just wanted to hold her forever and not abandon her like I felt I was doing.
That drive home was probably one of the saddest drives ever, with the empty car seat in the back...where Emerie should have been. There were no words left to say...and the tears just kept streaming and streaming.
How have I made it this far? How have I survived without you Emerie? God, family, and friends. I know you are in heaven, safe and healed, but we still hurt down here, and we miss you like crazy. I don't think that will change anytime soon.
Along with Emerie passing and just the difficultness of that day, dreams died. A lifetime of interaction died. Aspirations and yearnings to teach her things died. Every milestone we will reflect, we will wonder and wonder what life would have been if she had lived. So please be aware, that next year around the same time, we will probably be sad all over again, and the following year, and when it's been 5 years, and even when it's been 30 years. We will never stop missing her and wondering what she would have been like at every milestone and year to come. I know heaven is so much better, and she never has to face this dark world and try to figure out her salvation, so I will hold on to that promise, even as I sit here crying because it still hurts.
We planted her Oak tree today in our yard and we gathered with a few friends and family at her grave and lit some lanterns. What a special day, even though it hurts, we are not alone and we know that Emerie is home with the best person, Jesus. Thank you friends and family for walking alongside us through this journey. Please keep walking it with us, it's not over until we ourselves go home too.
That drive home was probably one of the saddest drives ever, with the empty car seat in the back...where Emerie should have been. There were no words left to say...and the tears just kept streaming and streaming.
How have I made it this far? How have I survived without you Emerie? God, family, and friends. I know you are in heaven, safe and healed, but we still hurt down here, and we miss you like crazy. I don't think that will change anytime soon.
Along with Emerie passing and just the difficultness of that day, dreams died. A lifetime of interaction died. Aspirations and yearnings to teach her things died. Every milestone we will reflect, we will wonder and wonder what life would have been if she had lived. So please be aware, that next year around the same time, we will probably be sad all over again, and the following year, and when it's been 5 years, and even when it's been 30 years. We will never stop missing her and wondering what she would have been like at every milestone and year to come. I know heaven is so much better, and she never has to face this dark world and try to figure out her salvation, so I will hold on to that promise, even as I sit here crying because it still hurts.
We planted her Oak tree today in our yard and we gathered with a few friends and family at her grave and lit some lanterns. What a special day, even though it hurts, we are not alone and we know that Emerie is home with the best person, Jesus. Thank you friends and family for walking alongside us through this journey. Please keep walking it with us, it's not over until we ourselves go home too.
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