Raw, Transparent, Me

Just some thoughts as we pass through another Thanksgiving... 2 Thanksgiving without Emerie now...one without Elie... 2 sets of distinct grief 2 sad parents 1 little sibling on the way... Gratitude or Thankfulness...it's the theme of the week... It's what I have had to hold onto to keep moving forward...after you experience great loss in some form, you learn that gratitude is actually your friend, even though it would seem that it is your enemy at the time of loss. I remember wondering last year how I could be thankful for anything after losing Emerie, and then I began forcing myself to write something down that I'm grateful for everyday.  The BUJO (Bullet Journal) Community call it a "Gratitude Log" and you can design it and keep it any way you want.  (Sidenote, journaling, specifically bullet journaling has been a great avenue for me to keep moving forward in a productive way.  I would recommend it to anyone.)  Anyways, this year has come and gone, ...

P.A.L. (Pregnancy After Loss) is the new community I have now entered as I am pregnant for a 3rd time.  It has been a twisty/windy road so far.  At every turn, I am reminded of my pregnancy with Emerie last year, and in some ways it is also different.  I dread the questions like "Is this your first?" but I am ready to confront it because this is my life now.  I am now in the "I lost a baby/child group" and I cannot change it, so I must embrace it.  It sucks.  There are days that I wish that I was not part of this group, that I would stop feeling like CRAP.  However, this is my life now, and I can't run away from it.  Being pregnant again does not rid me of my grief either.  In fact, it forces me to face it, especially as I begin to take out all the baby things again... I decided to start pulling some things out little by little because I cannot live in constant fear or denial of my 3rd baby.  I must try to prepare for and enjoy this preg...