P.A.L., Grief, and Trust
P.A.L. (Pregnancy After Loss) is the new community I have now entered as I am pregnant for a 3rd time. It has been a twisty/windy road so far. At every turn, I am reminded of my pregnancy with Emerie last year, and in some ways it is also different. I dread the questions like "Is this your first?" but I am ready to confront it because this is my life now. I am now in the "I lost a baby/child group" and I cannot change it, so I must embrace it. It sucks. There are days that I wish that I was not part of this group, that I would stop feeling like CRAP. However, this is my life now, and I can't run away from it. Being pregnant again does not rid me of my grief either. In fact, it forces me to face it, especially as I begin to take out all the baby things again... I decided to start pulling some things out little by little because I cannot live in constant fear or denial of my 3rd baby. I must try to prepare for and enjoy this pregnancy also, even when I am scared out of my mind.
This whole year has been a whirlwind experience. From getting through my 2nd year of teaching, to Emerie's anniversary, a tough work/soccer schedule, and then to head into October, which was infant loss/miscarriage/perinatal awareness month felt like the longest 4 months of my life. I don't feel rested nor recovered, in fact I feel the trials continually assaulting me like waves. If it's not one thing, it's another, but lo and behold, here I am by the grace of God.
It's mid November, and Thanksgiving is just around the corner...again... The emotions have definitely been stormy and up and down as everyone is preparing to spend time with their families. I'm also witnessing other children hit milestones, and I can't help but think, would Emerie be doing the same?
Of course, I am happy for my friends, but I am sad for me too. I still struggle to be in a room with children or other mothers because honestly, I will never fit in. I had to come to that harsh realization quickly...but accepting reality is a whole other story. I do appreciate the few friends that continue to make an effort to include me in some way, even if I can' talk about Emerie's milestones, you still manage to make me feel loved...thank you for remembering her too....because I have not forgotten her nor will I ever forget Emerie.
I think that has been one of the hardest parts, most people don't ever mention her by name. She may not be here on Earth, but man is she still a HUGE part of our lives. I still find myself crying in her nursery at times because I am sad that she never got to use it or break it in for her next little sibling. As I took out all her clothes, I cried because they were so clean and stainless....and naturally they would have been passed down, but not in the "new" condition.
How have I made it this far? There have been moments where the pain is still so unbearable. What sucks even more, facing the fear of losing baby #3. All those fears that we have been exposed to since losing Emerie, have been so difficult to confront. TRUST....what a hard word to walk in....what a hard path to go down...TRUST...that's all we can do because I cannot control anything to do with the outcome of this baby. Of course I try to remain positive, but I am not a positive person, so truly relying on God has been my one true strength. I'll admit, even that is hard at times though because I still question Him about Emerie and I don't understand still...I don't...But all I can so is TRUST....it's not easy...and it's a daily choice...
Anyways, I struggled to write this blog...I have been avoiding my fears and feelings as much as possible. Avoidance can only get me so far, I know, so here goes, me opening up to you again...
God willing, about 10 more weeks till we meet our 2nd daughter...our hope is that she will live, and that we will get to parent her on Earth...we so want that chance...of course, never forgetting sweet Emerie and Elie and how they have changed us for the better even though the situations suck...they have made us better parents...I just know it
.
Keep praying for us. We need it.
God Bless.
Until next time.
This whole year has been a whirlwind experience. From getting through my 2nd year of teaching, to Emerie's anniversary, a tough work/soccer schedule, and then to head into October, which was infant loss/miscarriage/perinatal awareness month felt like the longest 4 months of my life. I don't feel rested nor recovered, in fact I feel the trials continually assaulting me like waves. If it's not one thing, it's another, but lo and behold, here I am by the grace of God.
It's mid November, and Thanksgiving is just around the corner...again... The emotions have definitely been stormy and up and down as everyone is preparing to spend time with their families. I'm also witnessing other children hit milestones, and I can't help but think, would Emerie be doing the same?
Of course, I am happy for my friends, but I am sad for me too. I still struggle to be in a room with children or other mothers because honestly, I will never fit in. I had to come to that harsh realization quickly...but accepting reality is a whole other story. I do appreciate the few friends that continue to make an effort to include me in some way, even if I can' talk about Emerie's milestones, you still manage to make me feel loved...thank you for remembering her too....because I have not forgotten her nor will I ever forget Emerie.
I think that has been one of the hardest parts, most people don't ever mention her by name. She may not be here on Earth, but man is she still a HUGE part of our lives. I still find myself crying in her nursery at times because I am sad that she never got to use it or break it in for her next little sibling. As I took out all her clothes, I cried because they were so clean and stainless....and naturally they would have been passed down, but not in the "new" condition.
How have I made it this far? There have been moments where the pain is still so unbearable. What sucks even more, facing the fear of losing baby #3. All those fears that we have been exposed to since losing Emerie, have been so difficult to confront. TRUST....what a hard word to walk in....what a hard path to go down...TRUST...that's all we can do because I cannot control anything to do with the outcome of this baby. Of course I try to remain positive, but I am not a positive person, so truly relying on God has been my one true strength. I'll admit, even that is hard at times though because I still question Him about Emerie and I don't understand still...I don't...But all I can so is TRUST....it's not easy...and it's a daily choice...
Anyways, I struggled to write this blog...I have been avoiding my fears and feelings as much as possible. Avoidance can only get me so far, I know, so here goes, me opening up to you again...God willing, about 10 more weeks till we meet our 2nd daughter...our hope is that she will live, and that we will get to parent her on Earth...we so want that chance...of course, never forgetting sweet Emerie and Elie and how they have changed us for the better even though the situations suck...they have made us better parents...I just know it
.
Keep praying for us. We need it.
God Bless.
Until next time.
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