Raw, Transparent, Me

As I sit here in my parents house, at their computer, I'm contemplating what to write.  The past week until today has been a HUGE rollercoaster ride.  I can't get into specifics, but basically my grief has been brought all the way back to the beginning.  I am feeling more raw then I have before, or at least it feels that way.  It's almost like the scab was starting to form, and someone ripped it off and the wound is bleeding anew.  Last weekend, I even questioned being alive, and my life's meaning.  Thank God that I was on the phone with my mom in that moment because honestly, would I even be alive right now writing this blog? And maybe you are thinking, Jenn, stop being so dramatic.  Honestly, I wish I could wake up from this nightmare and also stop having these crazy emotions and thoughts that haunt me DAILY.  What also sucks about this journey at the moment (not like it wouldn't ever not suck) is that I am beginning to HATE crowds and I exper...

After thanksgiving, I decided to come back to the world of Facebook.  It was daunting and scary to put myself out there when I was feeling so vulnerable and weak.  I decided to go through my friends list and "clean" out those who were not walking this phase of life with me currently.  That actually felt really good, and I think Facebook has started to feel a little less daunting and more personal, if that is possible at all. So then comes Christmas and all the preparation, parties, "joyful" spirit that comes along with the holiday.  I decided to put a tree up and some decorations, even though I came close to not putting anything Christmasy in my house.  This year, it's ABSOLUTELY different.  I have to constantly remind myself that Christmas is not about me, it's not about what I don't have, it's not about presents or who has the nicest tree, but it's about Jesus.  Now friends, maybe you are thinking this is going to be another cliche post about...

I was heading into this holiday knowing I was going to be struggling with missing Emerie. We were invited to go to Albany, NY and I'm glad we took the invitation.  It has been nice to get away from all the noise and thoughts of being in our home city.  I know that it's not going to relieve the pain, but going on a long road-trip with my husband was nice.  It was a nice long drive to reflect and really think about what I am thankful for in life.  Before I get into that I want to be real about the struggles and emotions I was facing coming up to this holiday. Being reminded to be thankful and not selfish was so freaken difficult to hear. How can I not be selfish and want my daughter here on Earth?? Fine, I will be selfish because how can I be thankful she isn't here?? Upon conversations and reflections, it's ok to be selfish in this aspect. Maybe the thankfulness comes around missing my daughter. I'm thankful that we had her, she made us mom and dad. I'm thankfu...

So I have been back to work for the past 6 weeks.  The transition was not easy, and I continue to adjust to all the new students I have this year.  It has been a whirlwind of events and sometimes just so overwhelming.  My students have been very respectful, but have not mentioned Emerie at all.  I don't know if I like this or not.  On most days, I think I appreciate that they are watching themselves, and on low days, I wish someone would mention Emerie. My coworkers all seem to be surrounding me and supporting me as best they can.  We all have a lot of responsibilities so I do not expect people to stop what they are doing to check on me.  On most days, I appreciate this because it is easier to work and keep busy than to to sit and cry about Emerie not being here.  I have slowly begun to bond with some of the students, and it's been nice to see old students as well.  It's been an encouragement to be greeted in the hallway or be visited unexp...

Even When It Hurts-Hillsong UNITED "Even When It Hurts (Praise Song)" Take this fainted heart Take these tainted hands Wash me in Your love Come like grace again Even when my strength is lost I'll praise You Even when I have no song I'll praise You Even when it's hard to find the words Louder then I'll sing Your praise I will only sing Your praise I will only sing Your praise I will only sing Your praise Take this mountain weight Take these ocean tears Hold me through the trial Come like hope again Even when the fight seems lost I'll praise You Even when it hurts like hell I'll praise You Even when it makes no sense to sing Louder then I'll sing Your praise I will only sing Your praise I will only sing Your praise I will only sing Your praise And my heart burns only for You You are all You are all I want And my soul waits only for You And I will sing till the morning has come Lord my heart burns only for You You are all You are all I want And my...

I'll start at the beginning. My husband and I had decided that we were nearing the time of wanting children.  It happened so quickly when we found out I was expecting.  That day was December 2nd, 2015.  It explained why I had been feeling nauseous and just generally moody (LOL).  It was so exciting tell my close friends and family because this was going to be the first grandchild for my parents and the 3rd for my husband's family.  Christmas was so exciting because that is when we broke the news and people slowly started finding out.  On January 9th, 2016, we saw and heard Emerie for the first time at our first ultrasound.  Because I had no medical history of any significance, I was considered a low risk pregnancy, and so I did not go to the doctor more than the normal times.  Hearing Emerie's heartbeat for the first time was incredible.  I cried because of how beautiful it sounded.  While pregnant, it was also my first year of teachin...

It's been 2 years since my last blogpost and SO MUCH as changed! I got a teaching job after finishing my teaching program.  I became more involved in church and met different people outside of the ABF group I was part of. My husband and I also made new friends that have become like family to us, especially in this past year.  I traveled to Northern Ireland and Ireland with my husband, and that was AMAZING! I also became pregnant last year in October with our first child.  I completed my first year of teaching this year, and then patiently awaited the arrival of our beautiful daughter Emerie. She came in August, and also left to heaven in August.  I am now here, getting ready to go back to work, empty handed in that regards. I have decided to blog what's going on in my life, especially now that my daughter is gone.  I don't know how my blog posts will look like, or if anyone will even read them, but maybe this will be a good form of therapy for myself at least....