Emerie's Story
I'll start at the beginning.
My husband and I had decided that we were nearing the time of wanting children. It happened so quickly when we found out I was expecting. That day was December 2nd, 2015. It explained why I had been feeling nauseous and just generally moody (LOL). It was so exciting tell my close friends and family because this was going to be the first grandchild for my parents and the 3rd for my husband's family. Christmas was so exciting because that is when we broke the news and people slowly started finding out. On January 9th, 2016, we saw and heard Emerie for the first time at our first ultrasound. Because I had no medical history of any significance, I was considered a low risk pregnancy, and so I did not go to the doctor more than the normal times. Hearing Emerie's heartbeat for the first time was incredible. I cried because of how beautiful it sounded. While pregnant, it was also my first year of teaching, and so I was having to adjust to teaching and pregnancy at the same time. I'll never forget when I told my classes I was pregnant; they clapped and cheered! It was so funny but exciting! Then in March, we got to see Emerie at her 20 week check up, and were amazed at how much she had grown and developed! On April 3rd, at the baby shower, we found out she was a she! It was so exciting!! All the cute little clothes, shoes, accessories, etc.; the dreaming was endless and so were the possibilities.
School ended in May, and I was so happy with surviving my first year of teaching while being pregnant. I was ready to just enjoy being pregnant and getting ready for Emerie's arrival. She was so active, especially at night. I felt like she would also react to certain foods that I ate! Some of the cravings I had were Cinnamon Toast Crunch, ice, and bean and cheese burritos! The summer was really uncomfortable because of the heat, and I was swelling a lot! I had to put my feet up and relax as much as I could. I continued going to all my doctor appointments, and everything seemed fine. The innocence was blissful and I was just anticipating her arrival. My mom would call me almost everyday and ask me about how Emerie and I were doing and she asked for pictures. She was over the moon and excited about becoming a grandmother. My mom was hoping Emerie would wait for her to arrive in Indiana before being born, since she lives in California.
My 40 week check up came. I was feeling pretty big, and excited because I had planned all my lesson plans, and organized my classroom as much as I could. We had finished up some of the projects in the nursery also. It was a great morning, and Brandon went with me to the appointment. Everything seemed ok, her heartbeat was steady, I was measuring right on time. The midwife scraped my membrane to get the process started. That really hurt, but I was also ready for Emerie to be born.
Here is where the story takes a turn.
August 4, 2016.
I wake up early because I am going to meet up with friends. I shower eat breakfast and feel fine. Emerie hasn't really moved, but I figure it's normal since she is so big. After hanging with friends, I head to Marshalls to look for some stuff and just to shop. I notice that I am leaking, but figure it's nothing, or just my bladder. I head home, buying lunch on the way home. I was craving a burger! I get home and notice I am still leaking, and notice the color is a bit off. I do feel a little bit nauseous and maybe feel a few cramps. I decide to call the doctors office to tell them that I think something is wrong. I also figure that maybe my water has broken and something is wrong because it isn't clear. The doctor tells me to come in so they can take a look, and my husband arrives from work just in time to go with me. With take our hospital bags just in case because by now I suspect that my water has broken.
Once we get to the doctor, they confirm my water is broken, and meconium (baby poop) is also present. They want to monitor the baby before sending me to the hospital. We sit in the room for about 20 minutes, hooked to the stress test, waiting for Emerie to move and also show a healthy heartbeat. I do want to mention that when they checked her heartbeat before the test, they had a hard time finding it. At that moment, I knew that something was probably wrong and I just began to pray and tried to stay calm. Eventually she did find the heartbeat, but boy was that one of the scariest moments leading up to going to the hospital. After the test, the midwife decided to send me straight to the hospital to get induced. I head over to the hospital, they begin checking me in, and I am trying to remain calm, but I'm worried about Emerie not moving as much. About 20 mins into sitting in the labor room, nurses rush in because Emerie's heartbeat has dropped to 50 bpm and it doesn't seem to be going up. They start turning me and prodding me and I am freaking out trying to do as they say. They don't see an improvement and tell me that they will have to perform an emergency c-section immediately. I am scared out of my mind! I can only look at Brandon and cry as they are frantically wheeling me out. It takes less than 5 minutes for me to be put under and started on the surgery. Emerie is born, unconscious and whisked away to the NICU. (I didn't know this at the time.) Brandon and I wait 3 hours before we can see Emerie, and when we do, she is unconscious in a coma like state being kept "cool" because they are trying to stop the damage that was done at suffering from lack of oxygen (HIE).
That first night was a blur, and all I could think was I want to hold my baby and I can't. She is cold and I can't warm her up. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING for her. The following three days were filled with ups and downs. There were times when she would improve, and other times when her numbers would be unstable. She had all kinds of tubes in her and that was so hard for me to see. We talked to er, read her the Bible, sang to her, and I know she heard us there. It was horrible recovering from a c-section and not being as mobile as I wanted to be; I'm still struggling with the feelings of guilt from not being with her 24/7. My mom arrived on Friday night and got to see and meet her on Saturday. We spent a lot of time with her that day, and she was doing great. Brandon decided to spend the night in her room, and that made me feel so at ease, and I was able to get some much needed rest.
August 7, 2016
As my mom and I headed into the NICU, we were hopeful that Emerie was going to continue to improve. However, as we walked in, the nurses rushed to get us. When I saw the medical staff surrounding Emerie's room, I just knew something was wrong. The doctor quickly sat us down and told us that Emerie's heart rate had been dropping and they were trying everything to get to go up. It was in that moment that Death had come into the room, and the reality was like a punch to the gut. We told the doctor to keep trying to bring her heart rate up, but her heart just couldn't do it anymore. She had fought for 3 days, and her little precious heart just gave out. We got to finally hold her at the end. She was still struggling to breathe as we held her. I told her I loved her and how beautiful she was and how happy I was to have her in my arms. It was the best and worst time. Emerie went to heaven as she was in my arms around 10 am that Sunday morning.
My heart broke that day and I have never felt so much pain in my life. My baby was gone. Only her little beautiful body remained. We spent 7 hours holding her, looking at her, crying, and hoping that God would perform a miracle. We washed her, brushed her hair, clothed her, and it was the best feeling yet the worst too. After pictures and keepsakes were taken and made, I just felt like it was time to leave. She wasn't coming back, yet the other part of me did not want to leave her there! The hardest thing was leaving her there all alone.
This is Emerie's story. I've done the best I could with tears pouring down my face as I am re-living the memories and so wishing that I wasn't writing this blog about this. The only comfort I have in any of this is that Emerie is in heaven with the Lord. She is not suffering anymore, and she is healed. And one day, I will see her again. This is the only hope I have in such a dark situation, that death is not final.
I love you Emerie. I hope you know that and I hope God has told you that also!
My husband and I had decided that we were nearing the time of wanting children. It happened so quickly when we found out I was expecting. That day was December 2nd, 2015. It explained why I had been feeling nauseous and just generally moody (LOL). It was so exciting tell my close friends and family because this was going to be the first grandchild for my parents and the 3rd for my husband's family. Christmas was so exciting because that is when we broke the news and people slowly started finding out. On January 9th, 2016, we saw and heard Emerie for the first time at our first ultrasound. Because I had no medical history of any significance, I was considered a low risk pregnancy, and so I did not go to the doctor more than the normal times. Hearing Emerie's heartbeat for the first time was incredible. I cried because of how beautiful it sounded. While pregnant, it was also my first year of teaching, and so I was having to adjust to teaching and pregnancy at the same time. I'll never forget when I told my classes I was pregnant; they clapped and cheered! It was so funny but exciting! Then in March, we got to see Emerie at her 20 week check up, and were amazed at how much she had grown and developed! On April 3rd, at the baby shower, we found out she was a she! It was so exciting!! All the cute little clothes, shoes, accessories, etc.; the dreaming was endless and so were the possibilities.
School ended in May, and I was so happy with surviving my first year of teaching while being pregnant. I was ready to just enjoy being pregnant and getting ready for Emerie's arrival. She was so active, especially at night. I felt like she would also react to certain foods that I ate! Some of the cravings I had were Cinnamon Toast Crunch, ice, and bean and cheese burritos! The summer was really uncomfortable because of the heat, and I was swelling a lot! I had to put my feet up and relax as much as I could. I continued going to all my doctor appointments, and everything seemed fine. The innocence was blissful and I was just anticipating her arrival. My mom would call me almost everyday and ask me about how Emerie and I were doing and she asked for pictures. She was over the moon and excited about becoming a grandmother. My mom was hoping Emerie would wait for her to arrive in Indiana before being born, since she lives in California.
My 40 week check up came. I was feeling pretty big, and excited because I had planned all my lesson plans, and organized my classroom as much as I could. We had finished up some of the projects in the nursery also. It was a great morning, and Brandon went with me to the appointment. Everything seemed ok, her heartbeat was steady, I was measuring right on time. The midwife scraped my membrane to get the process started. That really hurt, but I was also ready for Emerie to be born.
Here is where the story takes a turn.
August 4, 2016.
I wake up early because I am going to meet up with friends. I shower eat breakfast and feel fine. Emerie hasn't really moved, but I figure it's normal since she is so big. After hanging with friends, I head to Marshalls to look for some stuff and just to shop. I notice that I am leaking, but figure it's nothing, or just my bladder. I head home, buying lunch on the way home. I was craving a burger! I get home and notice I am still leaking, and notice the color is a bit off. I do feel a little bit nauseous and maybe feel a few cramps. I decide to call the doctors office to tell them that I think something is wrong. I also figure that maybe my water has broken and something is wrong because it isn't clear. The doctor tells me to come in so they can take a look, and my husband arrives from work just in time to go with me. With take our hospital bags just in case because by now I suspect that my water has broken.
Once we get to the doctor, they confirm my water is broken, and meconium (baby poop) is also present. They want to monitor the baby before sending me to the hospital. We sit in the room for about 20 minutes, hooked to the stress test, waiting for Emerie to move and also show a healthy heartbeat. I do want to mention that when they checked her heartbeat before the test, they had a hard time finding it. At that moment, I knew that something was probably wrong and I just began to pray and tried to stay calm. Eventually she did find the heartbeat, but boy was that one of the scariest moments leading up to going to the hospital. After the test, the midwife decided to send me straight to the hospital to get induced. I head over to the hospital, they begin checking me in, and I am trying to remain calm, but I'm worried about Emerie not moving as much. About 20 mins into sitting in the labor room, nurses rush in because Emerie's heartbeat has dropped to 50 bpm and it doesn't seem to be going up. They start turning me and prodding me and I am freaking out trying to do as they say. They don't see an improvement and tell me that they will have to perform an emergency c-section immediately. I am scared out of my mind! I can only look at Brandon and cry as they are frantically wheeling me out. It takes less than 5 minutes for me to be put under and started on the surgery. Emerie is born, unconscious and whisked away to the NICU. (I didn't know this at the time.) Brandon and I wait 3 hours before we can see Emerie, and when we do, she is unconscious in a coma like state being kept "cool" because they are trying to stop the damage that was done at suffering from lack of oxygen (HIE).
That first night was a blur, and all I could think was I want to hold my baby and I can't. She is cold and I can't warm her up. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING for her. The following three days were filled with ups and downs. There were times when she would improve, and other times when her numbers would be unstable. She had all kinds of tubes in her and that was so hard for me to see. We talked to er, read her the Bible, sang to her, and I know she heard us there. It was horrible recovering from a c-section and not being as mobile as I wanted to be; I'm still struggling with the feelings of guilt from not being with her 24/7. My mom arrived on Friday night and got to see and meet her on Saturday. We spent a lot of time with her that day, and she was doing great. Brandon decided to spend the night in her room, and that made me feel so at ease, and I was able to get some much needed rest.
August 7, 2016
As my mom and I headed into the NICU, we were hopeful that Emerie was going to continue to improve. However, as we walked in, the nurses rushed to get us. When I saw the medical staff surrounding Emerie's room, I just knew something was wrong. The doctor quickly sat us down and told us that Emerie's heart rate had been dropping and they were trying everything to get to go up. It was in that moment that Death had come into the room, and the reality was like a punch to the gut. We told the doctor to keep trying to bring her heart rate up, but her heart just couldn't do it anymore. She had fought for 3 days, and her little precious heart just gave out. We got to finally hold her at the end. She was still struggling to breathe as we held her. I told her I loved her and how beautiful she was and how happy I was to have her in my arms. It was the best and worst time. Emerie went to heaven as she was in my arms around 10 am that Sunday morning.
My heart broke that day and I have never felt so much pain in my life. My baby was gone. Only her little beautiful body remained. We spent 7 hours holding her, looking at her, crying, and hoping that God would perform a miracle. We washed her, brushed her hair, clothed her, and it was the best feeling yet the worst too. After pictures and keepsakes were taken and made, I just felt like it was time to leave. She wasn't coming back, yet the other part of me did not want to leave her there! The hardest thing was leaving her there all alone.
This is Emerie's story. I've done the best I could with tears pouring down my face as I am re-living the memories and so wishing that I wasn't writing this blog about this. The only comfort I have in any of this is that Emerie is in heaven with the Lord. She is not suffering anymore, and she is healed. And one day, I will see her again. This is the only hope I have in such a dark situation, that death is not final.
I love you Emerie. I hope you know that and I hope God has told you that also!
Thank you for sharing your story. What a wonderful mom you are to Emerie! Praying for you as I read this today. May God bless you and fill you up in those moments when grief threatens to overpower you. He is faithful. How amazing to know our daughters are with Him forever, perfectly, wholly, eternally, lovingly His.
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