Lament, Waiting, Hope

Losing Emerie has rocked my world at it's core.  It has shown me that I am not exempt from suffering or death.  I have joined a club of other moms, who are also walking this life with their children in heaven.  My faith has been challenged daily, even hourly at times.  My emotions have been ALL OVER the place.  Who is this new me? Who is looking back at me?  This has been the continual journey that I have been on for the past 6, almost 7 months of life.  

Lament has been a daily part of my life.  It is a form of speaking to God, crying out to him, knowing that only he holds the answers and solutions.  It is hard to be in a place of lament.  It is not your typical prayer or thought, it is a heartfelt sorrow that does not go away after you have said it.  It is something that I am learning to continually do with Job, David, and now Jeremiah as my examples.  This weekend I did read through Lamentations a few times.  Lamentations is one of those books in the Bible that many people probably just streamline over because who really wants to read such sad lines written by Jeremiah who was known as the weeping prophet.  However, in those laments, and lines of sorrow, I have been challenge and encouraged this weekend.

Lamentations 3:21-33 is what really stood out to me.  Jeremiah suddenly changed from lamenting to remembering that there is hope in God's sovereignty.  He remembers that God is good and merciful, and above everything else, He loves his people.  I am not a Bible scholar, nor do I pretend to know exactly what this passage implicates, but what I did understand is that Jeremiah is not losing hope. He continues to wait on the Lord, steadfast, knowing God is faithful and he will not let his people suffer forever.  What a powerful message for someone like me who has been pondering and pondering about my pain and my future.  My life will never be the same, and I may continue to face challenges, but I am called to remain steadfast, waiting on the Lord because he is the Hope of the world.  I don't know if I am going to have more children, but I still must wait on the Lord because he is sovereign over the good and the bad.  I'm still processing all of this, but I am looking at Jeremiah's example of lament and hope to guide me through some difficult situations up ahead.  I must continue to hold onto God, and continue to live out my life for him, even when all seems dark and lost.  It's hard, but I know that God has me in his hand.  

So if you are someone who prays, I ask this of you, that I would find hope again in my life and that I would continue to hold onto God and not let darkness take over my mind.  I am also struggling to accept where I am in life.  Accepting that this is me now, someone who is sad all the time, someone who is missing her daughter all the time, someone who is scared of the future and anxious all the time, is not really something easy for me to do.  I do not enjoy being in this place, but I know that I cannot rush the grieving process.  Also, pray for my husband Brandon, who is equally hurting, even if he doesn't show it or say anything.  Fathers also grieve for their children in heaven.

Thanks friends for reading...this is all for now.