Bitter to Sweet and Everything in Between, Parenting After Loss

"All I can do is look at the stars, and wonder how you are..."

Bringing a living child home after losing a child is like a twilight zone episode in many ways.
There is a constant questioning of whether there is a living child in my house.
There is a constant comparison or want of comparison between Aria and her older sister Emerie.
That part sucks the most because once we passed the 3 day mark of birth, I could not compare anymore...
Also being a new parent, even though this is our 3rd child.
The biggest hurdle, allowing myself to enjoy this child, and not let fear rule my thoughts that somehow I will lose this one too...

Before I dive into the grief side of things I want to make sure that you know that I am 100% grateful for Aria.  She is a blessing, and we do not regret anything about her conception or birth.  Know that even though I am sad, that doesn't mean I am not joyful to have Aria.

So I said I would talk about grief in my last blog post, and it literally has taken me this long to find time, energy, and strength to sit down and really look at all the emotions involved.  Some days, I am not thinking about my grief or am avoiding it, which is easy with a newborn.  However, recently, my grief has been coming in unexpected waves, some closer together than I would like.

One of the waves that I know will keep coming back is the thought that if Emerie or Elie were here, Aria most likely would not be here.   This thought alone sends me into a tailspin of emotions because of course I miss Emerie and wonder about Elie, but how could I ever not want Aria after knowing her? Do you see how complicated it is? I still ask God why as well...WHY it had to be this way, I don't understand nor will I understand.  I must continue to work on accepting this reality...not easy.

Another emotional tidal wave is seeing all the marker babies and just feeling really sad because I again begin to wonder about Emerie and if she would be playing and running around with all these other toddlers...what foods would she like? Would she be getting into everything? How would our house look or feel? Again, all questions that will NEVER get answered, and that is something that is still hard to swallow.

One thing I noticed about myself after birthing Aria, was that I was not as "happy" or "jubilant" as I imagined I would be, and in fact I became a little neurotic.  Most of the thoughts were kept to myself or shared with Brandon, but I soon realized that I didn't want just anyone holding Aria, and there was an innate need to constantly watch over her to make sure she was/is alright.  And maybe this is all normal, but I feel that after losing a baby, it's probably a bit amplified.  And so I apologize ahead of time if i don't offer for you to hold Aria or seem strangely over-protective of her; you see she could be my only living child, and i watched my first child die without being able to do anything.

The last emotion/thought I will share about is GUILT. I wish I didn't feel guilt because it is one of the heaviest emotions and sometimes it just dominates my thought process.  I feel guilt over not being able to protect or save Emerie from her death.  That haunts me and I know that I could not have done anything, but tell my heart that when it is continually searching and searching for a reason WHY, still 18 months later, and I do not think it will ever stop asking WHY... As a parent, you are charged with watching over these blessings, but when you hold your child as they die, unfortunately there is a huge sense of guilt that you did not cut it as a parent, that somehow you failed this child.  This sense of failure has loomed around every corner with Aria.  Beginning with not being able to get out of bed after my csection to take care of her, to her not latching, to my milk not coming in right away, to my  physical weakness after returning home, and to feeling sad because I miss my first child and when I look at Aria I can't help but wonder about Emerie.

Our family will always include Emerie and Elie in some way, and whether that makes our family or friends uncomfortable, OH WELL.  Emerie and Elie have shaped us as parents, and of course, will always be part of our family and have a place in our hearts.  I cannot think of Aria without first thinking of them.  I do not know what the future holds for us in terms of more kids, but I do know that I want to enjoy Aria everyday that I have her and am in no rush to become pregnant again.  Honestly, it's been a LONG 2 years of being pregnant and experiencing loss; I owe it to myself to allow myself rest because the emotions and anxiety have worn Brandon and I down.

I hope that I can continue using Emerie and Elie's story to connect with others, and I look forward to growing as a parent to Aria alongside Brandon.  I hope to continue blogging our journey, and I am thankful for those who continue to pray and support us because we still need it!  It is a marathon, not a sprint, but I guess that is everything in this life.

Until next time.

-Jenn