Reality Checks and Art Therapy

"How are you doing?"

-"Fine."

Reality Check: I'm not fine but I'm going to say this because typically that question is superficial and just a "common" phrase of our English language.

Thought: I can handle my grief on my own because I'm tired of people's pity.  I don't want to burden anyone 2 years later. nor receive empty sympathy anymore.  I also feel like there is a subtle implied in-between the lines feeling of, "Why are you still sad? It's been 2 years."

Reality Check: I can sometimes handle my grief on my own, but I am always going to have to handle my grief.  In other words, it will take different forms, shapes, sizes, but it will always be there. Also, don't pity me; it makes me feel so small.  However, I can't control others, so I must ignore as much as possible.

Reality Check to that Reality Check: Your grief is your love for Emerie and Elie...DUH! So no, it's never going away! Those that understand that will empathize; cling to those people.

Thought: I don't think I need to go to therapy or support group anymore.

Reality Check: Nope, I do.  I am beginning to resent "normal" moms again for not being able to comprehend on ANY level what I am going through.  I know it's not their fault and I can't hold it against them. Therefore, it is time for me to go back to support group where I can have a place among "loss" moms and just be whatever I need to be and say whatever I need to say and not feel this insecurity of people never understanding and me being the outsider.  I am not strong enough; I need support.  The first step in any recovery journey is admitting one has a problem and needs help.  I need help, and I am ok with that.

So thankfully I was able to return to support group this week.  It was hard but wonderful to be there and I am grateful to have a place where I don't feel like I am the only one.  We were led through a session of art therapy. This is the outcome of that session.  I debated sharing these images because they are very raw and literal, but you know what? Screw it! This is reality and maybe it will help someone out there. So here they are...
1st Picture- I drew an image of how I felt when Emerie died.

Then we were instructed to destroy it any way we wanted.

Last step, to create a new image with the destroyed pieces.  I left some pieces out to symbolize parts of me that are no longer in existence.

What do you see?

So I was very happy, at peace, and feeling light at the end of our meeting.  It was raw but it was so needed.  I am so so so thankful to have a place where I can be raw and not feel alone!

I wanted to blog about statistics this month, since it is the month for awareness, but I decided against it.  I don't want to worry pregnant friends more than I already do by just being around them...sigh...

Anyways, thanks for reading my ramblings.
God Bless.
Till next time.

-Jenn

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