Raw, Transparent, Me

3-19-19 I don't know the rules about poetry but I decided to write my thoughts down differently today. Thanks for reading. I promise I'm not always so dark, but tonight and this past week I've been pondering and that leads to this stupid question that forever haunts me. The infamous question. It never goes away. There is no answer. How can three little words cause so much doubt? I didn't know that letters had the power to turn my world upside down. Why? Why Emerie? Why us? Why God? Why didn't you heal her? Why didn't you save her? Why didn't you answer our prayers? Why did she have to die? Why couldn't I have known? Why God? Why?!!? Silence. Nothing. No answer. How can three little letters cause so much anguish? I didn't know one could live life not ever knowing why. The question that leads to more questions; The question that keeps on asking; Please stop asking, I tell myself. But I don't listen. Comparison sho...

I haven't been able to gather my thoughts for while.  January was rough.  I grieved so hard after Aria's birthday and honestly felt depressed and sad because I never got to celebrate Emerie's first birthday.  It felt like I had to constantly balance being sad and happy because of course I was happy to be able to celebrate Aria, but I was equally sad that I could not celebrate Emerie in the same way.  It is so exhausting continually dealing with sadness and happiness. February started, and I thought to myself to just keep going, do exercise, get out more, etc.  But then I tore my Achilles' tendon and every single plan to be active went out the window.  (I injured myself playing soccer, at least I scored 2 goals LOL). I know that there are injuries that are way worse than mine, but to not be able to walk is a huge blow to anyone no matter what the reason. Now I'm not going to bore you with my cliche gratitude thoughts of "I took walking for granted" beca...

What a huge milestone to reach! Year 1 complete! What a huge miracle that Aria is for us and blessing from God.  We recognize that no one is guaranteed children, even if they want them badly.  We know that just because you get pregnant and give birth doesn't mean that your baby will be healthy and live. We know that tragedy can strike at any moment of anyone's life because nothing in this life is guaranteed. Nothing.  But as humans, especially Christians, we believe that if we do certain things a certain way, we will get our way.  What a rude awakening Brandon and I had after we lost Emerie and then following her death, miscarrying Elie.  So it wasn't until we saw a heartbeat for Aria that we possibly saw a glimmer of hope at the end of the long tunnel of pregnancy and suffering. When she was born and she cried immediately, the flood gates opened, my heart expanded even bigger than I ever could imagine, yet it also broke a little bit more knowing that our lives...