Forceful Stops and Letting Go
I haven't been able to gather my thoughts for while. January was rough. I grieved so hard after Aria's birthday and honestly felt depressed and sad because I never got to celebrate Emerie's first birthday. It felt like I had to constantly balance being sad and happy because of course I was happy to be able to celebrate Aria, but I was equally sad that I could not celebrate Emerie in the same way. It is so exhausting continually dealing with sadness and happiness.
February started, and I thought to myself to just keep going, do exercise, get out more, etc. But then I tore my Achilles' tendon and every single plan to be active went out the window. (I injured myself playing soccer, at least I scored 2 goals LOL). I know that there are injuries that are way worse than mine, but to not be able to walk is a huge blow to anyone no matter what the reason.
Now I'm not going to bore you with my cliche gratitude thoughts of "I took walking for granted" because that is a given! BUT I will elaborate on how this injury sidetracked me and put me on a whole other path I didn't ever think to be on (Stupid "invincible" attitude) lol
I was forcefully stopped in my life by this injury. At the beginning I couldn't even shower alone! Shout out to Brandon who has been such a supportive patient husband with all this. Slowly after surgery I was able to gain small independence here and there, including being able to shower, and it felt nice. The one area that I have had to relinquish the most control and have had not choice is letting others take care of Aria. I still cannot physically pick her up and that eliminates a lot of things that I can do as her mother, physically.
Ok, confession time. After losing Emerie and then having Aria, I have become a control freak to the max. I know that it comes from a place of fear and anxiety. I don't want Aria do die; I want to protect her in anyway I can; I will do anything and everything to contribute positively to her growth and development. You get the gist. Since being injured, I've had to let go of how I do things and let others do it their way. Controlling meal time, sleep, schedules, I've had to let go of doing those things and trusting others to do it. You see, these are the small things I can control and make myself feel better in my fear and anxiety.
My injury has forced me to stop and LOOK at this part of me and it's not been pretty. I find myself fighting against looking at the image in the mirror. I don't want to let go of the little control I think I have. I don't want to have this stop in my journey where I am now being redirected. Now I'm not going to sit here and say, this is why I got injured. That's a trash statement! I will say however that I am being forced to learn some lessons, being stretched, feeling vulnerable, and generally just need help. Do you know how hard that is for a control freak?
Anyways, as I am forced to slow down, I also have more time to reflect, which I also don't enjoy at times. I like to run away from my emotions because I do not like to be sad ( what a joke thing to say, I will always be sad). It's a constant tug-of-war within me fighting to remain "fine" but I have been forced to sit and process....like I probably should be doing always in a healthy way.
So here's to a new year that has had ups and downs already and I'm trying not to let my fear and anxiety rule it! UGH I'm clinging to God's joy in the midst of chaos, but I'm struggling. Some days I get in a mental funk and it's this suffocating cloud...being limited in ways I'm not used to SUCKS. I must continue to work on an attitude of gratitude, seek God when I don't feel like it, and try to mother Aria within my new limits.
Thank you to my Mom, Kathy, sisters, several close friends who came around us to help with caring for Aria and meals. I AM SO AMAZED at how God continues to surround us through people and his community. This keeps me out of the funky emotional cloud. So as I continue on this recovery journey I must continue to let go of expectations and find contentment in my present circumstance. Despite the bad, when I look around, there is also good too.
God Bless and thanks for reading!
-Jenn
February started, and I thought to myself to just keep going, do exercise, get out more, etc. But then I tore my Achilles' tendon and every single plan to be active went out the window. (I injured myself playing soccer, at least I scored 2 goals LOL). I know that there are injuries that are way worse than mine, but to not be able to walk is a huge blow to anyone no matter what the reason.
Now I'm not going to bore you with my cliche gratitude thoughts of "I took walking for granted" because that is a given! BUT I will elaborate on how this injury sidetracked me and put me on a whole other path I didn't ever think to be on (Stupid "invincible" attitude) lol
I was forcefully stopped in my life by this injury. At the beginning I couldn't even shower alone! Shout out to Brandon who has been such a supportive patient husband with all this. Slowly after surgery I was able to gain small independence here and there, including being able to shower, and it felt nice. The one area that I have had to relinquish the most control and have had not choice is letting others take care of Aria. I still cannot physically pick her up and that eliminates a lot of things that I can do as her mother, physically.
Ok, confession time. After losing Emerie and then having Aria, I have become a control freak to the max. I know that it comes from a place of fear and anxiety. I don't want Aria do die; I want to protect her in anyway I can; I will do anything and everything to contribute positively to her growth and development. You get the gist. Since being injured, I've had to let go of how I do things and let others do it their way. Controlling meal time, sleep, schedules, I've had to let go of doing those things and trusting others to do it. You see, these are the small things I can control and make myself feel better in my fear and anxiety.
My injury has forced me to stop and LOOK at this part of me and it's not been pretty. I find myself fighting against looking at the image in the mirror. I don't want to let go of the little control I think I have. I don't want to have this stop in my journey where I am now being redirected. Now I'm not going to sit here and say, this is why I got injured. That's a trash statement! I will say however that I am being forced to learn some lessons, being stretched, feeling vulnerable, and generally just need help. Do you know how hard that is for a control freak?
Anyways, as I am forced to slow down, I also have more time to reflect, which I also don't enjoy at times. I like to run away from my emotions because I do not like to be sad ( what a joke thing to say, I will always be sad). It's a constant tug-of-war within me fighting to remain "fine" but I have been forced to sit and process....like I probably should be doing always in a healthy way.So here's to a new year that has had ups and downs already and I'm trying not to let my fear and anxiety rule it! UGH I'm clinging to God's joy in the midst of chaos, but I'm struggling. Some days I get in a mental funk and it's this suffocating cloud...being limited in ways I'm not used to SUCKS. I must continue to work on an attitude of gratitude, seek God when I don't feel like it, and try to mother Aria within my new limits.
Thank you to my Mom, Kathy, sisters, several close friends who came around us to help with caring for Aria and meals. I AM SO AMAZED at how God continues to surround us through people and his community. This keeps me out of the funky emotional cloud. So as I continue on this recovery journey I must continue to let go of expectations and find contentment in my present circumstance. Despite the bad, when I look around, there is also good too.
God Bless and thanks for reading!
-Jenn
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