Surviving Thanksgiving After Loss
I was heading into this holiday knowing I was going to be struggling with missing Emerie. We were invited to go to Albany, NY and I'm glad we took the invitation. It has been nice to get away from all the noise and thoughts of being in our home city. I know that it's not going to relieve the pain, but going on a long road-trip with my husband was nice. It was a nice long drive to reflect and really think about what I am thankful for in life. Before I get into that I want to be real about the struggles and emotions I was facing coming up to this holiday.
Being reminded to be thankful and not selfish was so freaken difficult to hear. How can I not be selfish and want my daughter here on Earth?? Fine, I will be selfish because how can I be thankful she isn't here?? Upon conversations and reflections, it's ok to be selfish in this aspect. Maybe the thankfulness comes around missing my daughter. I'm thankful that we had her, she made us mom and dad. I'm thankful for her life, it has radically challenged our perspectives and faith. I am thankful for family and friends that have surrounded us. However, maybe when demanding "gratitude" out of your audience, think about the many walks and situations someone could be walking through at the moment. When someone has lost someone, being told to be grateful is HARD and a cold slap in the face.
So after wrestling with all these emotions, I decided to fight to find the things to be grateful for in life. I know that God has blessed us, but in the midst of missing our daughter, it's so hard to take a perspective of gratitude, and I think it's easy to tell people to be "grateful" when life is easy. I realized that as much as I'm hurting, as much as I want people to have grace for me, I have to turn around and give grace to people who truly will never understand until they themselves experience a loss.
Anyways, so Thanksgiving was really long. The day itself seem to drag so slowly. I wanted it to go fast so I could stop being reminded of Emerie not being there. I tried focusing on the things and people that I do have in my life, and that helped. I also had a candle in remembrance of Emerie on during the evening, and that weirdly gave me peace. Even though she is not here, she is, in our hearts. So the night ended with some episodes of Friends, and I literally fell asleep at 9:30pm, exhausted. I was thankful for the deep sleep because that meant the day was ending...Finally.
So we survived our first Thanksgiving without Emerie...sigh...
Next is Christmas....the anxiety coming with the build up is real.
God continue to strengthen me...I can't do this alone.
Goodnight.
Being reminded to be thankful and not selfish was so freaken difficult to hear. How can I not be selfish and want my daughter here on Earth?? Fine, I will be selfish because how can I be thankful she isn't here?? Upon conversations and reflections, it's ok to be selfish in this aspect. Maybe the thankfulness comes around missing my daughter. I'm thankful that we had her, she made us mom and dad. I'm thankful for her life, it has radically challenged our perspectives and faith. I am thankful for family and friends that have surrounded us. However, maybe when demanding "gratitude" out of your audience, think about the many walks and situations someone could be walking through at the moment. When someone has lost someone, being told to be grateful is HARD and a cold slap in the face.
So after wrestling with all these emotions, I decided to fight to find the things to be grateful for in life. I know that God has blessed us, but in the midst of missing our daughter, it's so hard to take a perspective of gratitude, and I think it's easy to tell people to be "grateful" when life is easy. I realized that as much as I'm hurting, as much as I want people to have grace for me, I have to turn around and give grace to people who truly will never understand until they themselves experience a loss.
Anyways, so Thanksgiving was really long. The day itself seem to drag so slowly. I wanted it to go fast so I could stop being reminded of Emerie not being there. I tried focusing on the things and people that I do have in my life, and that helped. I also had a candle in remembrance of Emerie on during the evening, and that weirdly gave me peace. Even though she is not here, she is, in our hearts. So the night ended with some episodes of Friends, and I literally fell asleep at 9:30pm, exhausted. I was thankful for the deep sleep because that meant the day was ending...Finally.
So we survived our first Thanksgiving without Emerie...sigh...
Next is Christmas....the anxiety coming with the build up is real.
God continue to strengthen me...I can't do this alone.
Goodnight.
I'm glad you're surviving and doing whatever you can to look up. I value your friendship and continue to pray for you and Brandon as life moves forward.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about this I don't know if you remember me but you were my tutor for math. I'm La Joy and I was just checking up on you because last time I remember you were pregnant and I'm just so proud to see that you're staying strong even after this tragedy and I'm going to be praying for yoy. Please always know God's with you even in the hardest times and God will never give you anything you can't overcome.
ReplyDeleteLa Joy, I do remember you! Nice to hear from you. I first want to say thank you for reading my post, but I did want to disagree slightly on something. Although your sentiment is very welcomed, the saying "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" is something I disagree with. First, God didn't take away my daughter. He allowed her to pass away, but he himself did not take her. Second, I think God allow us to go through stuff we CANNOT handle on our own to show us how much we need Him in everything. I appreciate what you are trying to say, and know that I am constantly clinging to God because I absolutely cannot handle this on my own. God Bless!
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