Raw, Transparent, Me

I haven't been able to gather my thoughts for while.  January was rough.  I grieved so hard after Aria's birthday and honestly felt depressed and sad because I never got to celebrate Emerie's first birthday.  It felt like I had to constantly balance being sad and happy because of course I was happy to be able to celebrate Aria, but I was equally sad that I could not celebrate Emerie in the same way.  It is so exhausting continually dealing with sadness and happiness. February started, and I thought to myself to just keep going, do exercise, get out more, etc.  But then I tore my Achilles' tendon and every single plan to be active went out the window.  (I injured myself playing soccer, at least I scored 2 goals LOL). I know that there are injuries that are way worse than mine, but to not be able to walk is a huge blow to anyone no matter what the reason. Now I'm not going to bore you with my cliche gratitude thoughts of "I took walking for granted" beca...

What a huge milestone to reach! Year 1 complete! What a huge miracle that Aria is for us and blessing from God.  We recognize that no one is guaranteed children, even if they want them badly.  We know that just because you get pregnant and give birth doesn't mean that your baby will be healthy and live. We know that tragedy can strike at any moment of anyone's life because nothing in this life is guaranteed. Nothing.  But as humans, especially Christians, we believe that if we do certain things a certain way, we will get our way.  What a rude awakening Brandon and I had after we lost Emerie and then following her death, miscarrying Elie.  So it wasn't until we saw a heartbeat for Aria that we possibly saw a glimmer of hope at the end of the long tunnel of pregnancy and suffering. When she was born and she cried immediately, the flood gates opened, my heart expanded even bigger than I ever could imagine, yet it also broke a little bit more knowing that our lives...

So a few weeks ago I asked friends on Facebook to throw some topics out for me to blog about.  It has now been 2 years & 4 months to the date since Emerie entered this world.  The journey has changed and there have been many turns and unexpected things, but never-the-less the journey of grief continues because it is a journey that will only end when I get to see Emerie again. The topic I want to talk about today is about some of the helpful or positive things that were said to me on this journey of grief that has helped me.  Before I jump into that, I want to preface this by saying that I am my own person and how I grieve is different than the next person. Also, I am writing this to people who have not experienced child-loss in any way to hopefully help you if you know someone who has walked this journey, is walking this journey, or future people you might meet. Top 5 Helpful Words/Phrases to tell someone walking through child-loss of any form (miscarriage, stillb...

As I continue on this journey of "after Emerie" I am reflecting on the importance of what has gotten me through on a daily basis.  I will take the time to blog about faith, books, blogs, music, and other things in the future to hopefully help someone else out on their own journey. So today I want to share about a CD ( yes I still buy CDs lol) that is seriously challenging my heart and speaking to my soul! If you know anything about me, you might know that I am HIGHLY picky when it comes to what music I actually take the time to purchase and listen to, especially Christian music. Good music is a trifecta of lyrics, musicality, and vocals; I believe this group and CD represent that or at least come close. Music can be healing or at least be a representation of words that you couldn't form yourself.  Music has helped me on days where I feel like my emotions are overwhelming and confusing; it has helped me grieve and also cry out to God.  I invite you to take a listen to ...

"How are you doing?" -"Fine." Reality Check: I'm not fine but I'm going to say this because typically that question is superficial and just a "common" phrase of our English language. Thought: I can handle my grief on my own because I'm tired of people's pity.  I don't want to burden anyone 2 years later. nor receive empty sympathy anymore.  I also feel like there is a subtle implied in-between the lines feeling of, "Why are you still sad? It's been 2 years." Reality Check: I can sometimes handle my grief on my own, but I am always going to have to handle my grief.  In other words, it will take different forms, shapes, sizes, but it will always be there. Also, don't pity me; it makes me feel so small.  However, I can't control others, so I must ignore as much as possible. Reality Check to that Reality Check: Your grief is your love for Emerie and Elie...DUH! So no, it's never going away! Those that und...

Grief is my constant companion because it represents my love for Emerie and Elie. It will never go away. Just typing this and putting it into words is a tough pill to swallow at times. This burden, at times,  is heavy and I feel suffocated. Other times I feel crazy because I am extremely happy to have Aria but at the same time I am extremely sad that Emerie isn't here too... And sometimes I feel light and peaceful, which is so strange because I still feel sad underneath it. So this year, year 2 after Emerie, I thought my birthday would be light, possibly I would feel at peace and not so burdened. However, I was mistaken.  All summer, I kept watching more family and friends continued to have their second or third child without complications. Let me take a pause here and say that I am not wishing bad ON ANYONE! In fact, I am genuinely happy for all who were blessed with another living child, and this has been a life lesson for me to be happy for others even when I am sad or ...