Raw, Transparent, Me

So a few weeks ago I asked friends on Facebook to throw some topics out for me to blog about.  It has now been 2 years & 4 months to the date since Emerie entered this world.  The journey has changed and there have been many turns and unexpected things, but never-the-less the journey of grief continues because it is a journey that will only end when I get to see Emerie again. The topic I want to talk about today is about some of the helpful or positive things that were said to me on this journey of grief that has helped me.  Before I jump into that, I want to preface this by saying that I am my own person and how I grieve is different than the next person. Also, I am writing this to people who have not experienced child-loss in any way to hopefully help you if you know someone who has walked this journey, is walking this journey, or future people you might meet. Top 5 Helpful Words/Phrases to tell someone walking through child-loss of any form (miscarriage, stillb...

As I continue on this journey of "after Emerie" I am reflecting on the importance of what has gotten me through on a daily basis.  I will take the time to blog about faith, books, blogs, music, and other things in the future to hopefully help someone else out on their own journey. So today I want to share about a CD ( yes I still buy CDs lol) that is seriously challenging my heart and speaking to my soul! If you know anything about me, you might know that I am HIGHLY picky when it comes to what music I actually take the time to purchase and listen to, especially Christian music. Good music is a trifecta of lyrics, musicality, and vocals; I believe this group and CD represent that or at least come close. Music can be healing or at least be a representation of words that you couldn't form yourself.  Music has helped me on days where I feel like my emotions are overwhelming and confusing; it has helped me grieve and also cry out to God.  I invite you to take a listen to ...

"How are you doing?" -"Fine." Reality Check: I'm not fine but I'm going to say this because typically that question is superficial and just a "common" phrase of our English language. Thought: I can handle my grief on my own because I'm tired of people's pity.  I don't want to burden anyone 2 years later. nor receive empty sympathy anymore.  I also feel like there is a subtle implied in-between the lines feeling of, "Why are you still sad? It's been 2 years." Reality Check: I can sometimes handle my grief on my own, but I am always going to have to handle my grief.  In other words, it will take different forms, shapes, sizes, but it will always be there. Also, don't pity me; it makes me feel so small.  However, I can't control others, so I must ignore as much as possible. Reality Check to that Reality Check: Your grief is your love for Emerie and Elie...DUH! So no, it's never going away! Those that und...

Grief is my constant companion because it represents my love for Emerie and Elie. It will never go away. Just typing this and putting it into words is a tough pill to swallow at times. This burden, at times,  is heavy and I feel suffocated. Other times I feel crazy because I am extremely happy to have Aria but at the same time I am extremely sad that Emerie isn't here too... And sometimes I feel light and peaceful, which is so strange because I still feel sad underneath it. So this year, year 2 after Emerie, I thought my birthday would be light, possibly I would feel at peace and not so burdened. However, I was mistaken.  All summer, I kept watching more family and friends continued to have their second or third child without complications. Let me take a pause here and say that I am not wishing bad ON ANYONE! In fact, I am genuinely happy for all who were blessed with another living child, and this has been a life lesson for me to be happy for others even when I am sad or ...

 Leading up to Emerie's 2nd birthday I was struggling as you could tell from my last post.  I was doubting God, mad at Him, questioning, and just generally struggling to find peace. The flashbacks were also horrible; there were moments that would just hit me and my emotions would be instantly dragged back to that day when I lost Emerie. The last time I heard her breathe, the first and last time I held her, the realization that she was dead but I couldn't let her go, couldn't stop wishing that God would resurrect her like Lazarus, screaming and crying like I never had done before, calling family and friends to tell them the devastating news, feeling so broken that I thought I was going to die. And then we arrive to Emerie's birthday.  After weeks of being in conflict with God, He comes back at me with the biggest sign of Love that just broke me.  Friends in Fort Wayne decided to gather at Emerie's grave and sing Happy Birthday to her without us knowing!  ...

I have thought over and over again on what to blog about and it's just endless. I guess I could tell you about how angry it makes me when people try to say Emerie's death is a "good" thing because God redeems all things.  Half of that is true...but Emerie's death will never be a "good" thing.  Stop trying to find the silver lining in this cloud...there isn't any! I wish everyday that she wouldn't have died, and I still do not understand why! Or God know's best! So the best for me was Emerie's death?! WHAT! Are people even thinking when saying these things!? I know as humans we want to try and find the "best" in every situation, but you know what...sometimes there just isn't! The situation is just crap! Losing a child is crappy! Period! Then after these two statements we can talk about how I am obviously STILL struggling with major issues...like TRUSTING God.  I'll admit it! My anxiety on a daily basis is doubting t...

So here I am having completed the 3rd year of my teaching career, and I have decided to step away for at least a year to dedicate more time to Aria and also pursue higher education. If you would have asked me when I was younger what my career goals were, I would have told you that I wanted to be a successful and independent woman that didn't need a man to take care of her.  I actually did not understand woman who chose not to work but stay-at home because in my mind, they were submitting to cultural norms placed on them by men.  I would say that I thought of myself as a feminist in some form, working to be just as good as a man, or better.  I also watched my grandma and mother work, and other strong woman, so working was what I was working towards as a young adult and woman. Success to me meant a good career and money to be able to live the way I wanted not depending on my husband, but working alongside him financially. Fast forward to 2 years ago, when we had Emerie ...

This is going to be sweet and short because I am struggling with energy and motivation at this point. March was mad! Mad means crazy also if you didn't know...and that's how it felt.  Grief assailed me night and day at times, just constantly reminding me of Emerie and everything that could never be and also the anniversary of miscarrying Elie...I know that grief is a form of love unanswered, BUT SERIOUSLY COULD I GET A BREAK! I still have to care for a baby, my family and myself, and somehow I have to handle all these emotions.  It's physically draining and seriously I struggled with motivation most days.  It was a constant bounce back from joy to grief, happy to sad, peaceful to angry, rejoicing to depressed, and just comparing our family to others and starting this whole crazy, mad process all over again.  I guess, my love and wonder for Emerie and Elie will never end, and so I must learn to deal! Dealing is hard...and sometimes I feel like I'm crawling along, ba...

"All I can do is look at the stars, and wonder how you are..." Bringing a living child home after losing a child is like a twilight zone episode in many ways. There is a constant questioning of whether there is a living child in my house. There is a constant comparison or want of comparison between Aria and her older sister Emerie. That part sucks the most because once we passed the 3 day mark of birth, I could not compare anymore... Also being a new parent, even though this is our 3rd child. The biggest hurdle, allowing myself to enjoy this child, and not let fear rule my thoughts that somehow I will lose this one too... Before I dive into the grief side of things I want to make sure that you know that I am 100% grateful for Aria.  She is a blessing, and we do not regret anything about her conception or birth.  Know that even though I am sad, that doesn't mean I am not joyful to have Aria. So I said I would talk about grief in my last blog post, and it lite...

Well this blog has been long in coming...or at least it feels that way since now all the days and hours are blending together... LOL.  Anyways, I wanted to take time to blog down Aria's birth story and some of what was experienced throughout this process. It has been a whirlwind ride so far...thinking back to January 9th when Aria did not pass her tests and our doctor recommended us to go to the hospital sooner.  Going back to that day, I remember just feeling a moment of panic, but gratitude that I would not have to wait much longer because honestly the anxiety was HIGH.  That night, we spent it in the hospital, and I was continuously monitored along with Aria.  It was a relief but also a nightmare because here we were again, at the hospital because something might be or go possibly wrong.  Every single fear from the past year was being re-lived and I had to come to terms with being ok with staying in the hospital.  This was the best/safest place for me,...