Raw, Transparent, Me

Our C-section date is scheduled for January 13, 2018 at 10 a.m. 12 days, 13 hours, 18 minutes. We hope to meet our 3rd child, hear her beautiful cry, see her beautiful face, snuggle her tightly. I'm terrified yet excited. 2017 was a long and hard year, full of very stretching challenges and trials. It was also full of a lot good. Isn't that always the case? Good coupled with bad? I had to learn to find gratitude everyday, and it paid off. Even though Emerie's absence was very apparent, I learned to keep moving forward. I decided to not live in denial of what my life could have been... I struggled to face things that I thought I wouldn't have to with a child, However, here I am, having done different things this year then planned. Realization for the millionth time, nothing goes as planned. A wise mother once said, this time next year it will be different. I grabbed onto that hope because honestly, some days were just plain horrible and hard. Pregnanc...

I'm a highschool teacher, which means that I am constantly around teenagers from 13-18 years old.  Now this segment of humans does not have the emotional capacity to even begin to understand what I am going through on a daily basis.  This has made for an interesting challenge while being pregnant again.  Some of them have felt comfortable to ask me certain things, and others are just minding their own business, which I realized I am more grateful for in the end.  I know I must seem so harsh to some of them or strange because I am not acting like a typical naive pregnant person. Recently this week, a student was shocked when I said I didn't want to play Xmas music in my class.  I did not realize that I myself am still not really into the holidays this year, but I'm somehow managing to not lose it constantly like last year.  I know I should be more soft towards teenagers because they are emotionally incapable of a lot at this point in their lives.  How...

Just some thoughts as we pass through another Thanksgiving... 2 Thanksgiving without Emerie now...one without Elie... 2 sets of distinct grief 2 sad parents 1 little sibling on the way... Gratitude or Thankfulness...it's the theme of the week... It's what I have had to hold onto to keep moving forward...after you experience great loss in some form, you learn that gratitude is actually your friend, even though it would seem that it is your enemy at the time of loss. I remember wondering last year how I could be thankful for anything after losing Emerie, and then I began forcing myself to write something down that I'm grateful for everyday.  The BUJO (Bullet Journal) Community call it a "Gratitude Log" and you can design it and keep it any way you want.  (Sidenote, journaling, specifically bullet journaling has been a great avenue for me to keep moving forward in a productive way.  I would recommend it to anyone.)  Anyways, this year has come and gone, ...

P.A.L. (Pregnancy After Loss) is the new community I have now entered as I am pregnant for a 3rd time.  It has been a twisty/windy road so far.  At every turn, I am reminded of my pregnancy with Emerie last year, and in some ways it is also different.  I dread the questions like "Is this your first?" but I am ready to confront it because this is my life now.  I am now in the "I lost a baby/child group" and I cannot change it, so I must embrace it.  It sucks.  There are days that I wish that I was not part of this group, that I would stop feeling like CRAP.  However, this is my life now, and I can't run away from it.  Being pregnant again does not rid me of my grief either.  In fact, it forces me to face it, especially as I begin to take out all the baby things again... I decided to start pulling some things out little by little because I cannot live in constant fear or denial of my 3rd baby.  I must try to prepare for and enjoy this preg...

This post is a little late in coming, since Brandon and I's wedding anniversary was 2 days ago on the 8th.  We celebrated 5 years of being married, and it has been a great weekend. I took some time to reflect yesterday as we were hiking through the Indiana Dunes and I wanted to share some thoughts on making it to 5 years, and also making it through one of the roughest years of our marriage/lives thus far. Yesterday, we decided to head up to Indiana Dunes to experience Lake Michigan and also hike and be one with nature.  It was a beautiful place to just walk and take in the scenery, and just quiet the soul.  We were given a map to help us choose which trail we wanted to walk, and above all, help us navigate the dunes.  We decided to head towards #4, but somehow ended up on #9, which was much more rugged and difficult than we wanted to experience.  As I was struggling up a sandy incline, I realized that this was applicable to our current life situation and stage...

Surreal, that's what I would describe today as being for us.  A year ago, I held Emerie as she took her last breathe on this Earth, around 10:00am in the morning.  Just as I had changed when she was born, I changed again when she died. Never again would life be the same again.  There was before Emerie, and now it was after Emerie.  My world came crashing down in that instant, my heart broke into a million pieces, and if it wasn't for Brandon and my mom, I think physically I would have fallen apart as well.  I have never cried so hard in my life, wailed so deeply that it hurt.  Everything I thought I knew, just faded away.  Even in the hours to come, of cleaning her, brushing her hair, holding her, kissing her, I was hoping that God would bring her back like He did Lazarus.  But He didn't.  (I'll save those thoughts for another blog.)  Leaving her little body there was probably the hardest thing I had to do, walk away, when everything ins...

There are three dates that I will blog about and on in August. These three dates drastically changed my life and Brandon's in a short amount of time. First date, today, August 4th. Emerie was born in the evening before 7pm.  She had finally come after patiently waiting for 9 full months; she was out, but things turned out not the way we wanted or planned.  This beautiful baby that we couldn't hold or stimulate was ours, but technically she was never ours.  Deep down inside, I knew she didn't belong to me, but to God her Creator. This didn't make the reality any easier as we saw that she was struggling to breathe and live on her own. This date, of course full of sadness, also represents a beautiful day.  The day we were able to lay eyes on Emerie, touch her, see her, feel her, smell her. She was perfect in every way, a priceless moment when we laid our eyes on what my body had grown. This day will forever be a beautiful sorrowful day because we got to meet her, an...

Someone on instagram asked what had surprised us about our grief journey.  I have absolutely been pondering this in the last couple of days because actually aside from being sad, ANXIETY has been the next emotion waiting to take it's toll on my mind, body and soul. What would I have really known about grief before losing my daugher? Honestly, not much.  Besides losing distant relatives or friends, I had never really grieved someone so close and so deeply.  I think like most humans out there, I didn't even understand the concept of grief.  I just thought it was being sad.  I wish it was just that simple.  You might be thinking, Jenn, why do you wish to be sad? That's sad...lol.  Here me out; sadness is not that complex.  It is the opposite of happiness, and you can still function in your day, most of the time.  However, grief, and the grieving process, SO MUCH DEEPER. So maybe you have also heard the expression that grief is like waves of...

I wanted to honor my husband today by writing about him. If you don't know him well you just see a quiet guy and maybe you wonder what he's thinking. If you don't know him, you won't know that he actually is very funny and when he is serious, speaks volumes of wisdom. You wouldn't know that he married his complete opposite and is a fantastic and amazing husband. By just looking at him, you wouldn't know, that he is a father also. Emerie made him a father. Even though he only could feel her through my skin, even though he could only watch as she was wheeled away to the NICU, he loved her with a fathers heart.  That is something no one could know by just looking at him. He didn't get to swaddle her or change her diaper, or watch her grow, or teach her how to walk, but his love just grows and grows. His fatherhood looks different than the typical dad. Instead of physically doing things, he constantly talks about his lovely daughter and keeps her memory aliv...

I first want to start off by saying thank you to my friends who sent me flowers, a card, treats, a thoughtful gift for Mother's Day.  I did not expect any of it, and I am feeling truly humbled by God's love being outpoured over me like a fragrant oil through his loving daughters.  I also want to say THANK YOU to my husband who shared beautiful thoughtful gifts with me, including a poem that I will cherish forever.  Lastly, but not least, I want to thank my family for sticking by me through this tough time and giving me space. This leads me to my own reflection of the day.  I am a mother.  My children are not present, BUT as I watched the baby dedications something hit me.  Of course I was crying and sad because I did not get to do that with Emerie and Elie, but I soon felt a sense of peace as I was crying in the bathroom.  I know where they are! I know who they are with! They are SAFE and HEALTHY! Above everything else, they are SAVED.  I don't ...

I had a miscarriage last month. Only certain people know this because it has been really hard to talk about. I lost the baby at 6 weeks, and miscarried 4 weeks later. It was a painful, depressing, a grueling experience. But there I said it.  It's out there.  I cannot take it back.  I put my vulnerability out there for all to observe and comment on. I am nowhere near healed from losing Emerie, and now I am grieving a second loss.  This is my journey, and it sucks for me. I've been working on challenging my perspective and trying to focus on the things I do have in this life presently, but it's a daily struggle.  Recently, I was at an event where it felt like everyone had a baby but me.  It was suffocating and altogether sad because it felt like I was outside the bubble and no one acknowledged me in my pain, but 2 people (thank God!) I guess this is the norm now.  I will not fit in with young moms or moms that only talk about their kids because my...

Losing Emerie has rocked my world at it's core.  It has shown me that I am not exempt from suffering or death.  I have joined a club of other moms, who are also walking this life with their children in heaven.  My faith has been challenged daily, even hourly at times.  My emotions have been ALL OVER the place.  Who is this new me? Who is looking back at me?  This has been the continual journey that I have been on for the past 6, almost 7 months of life.   Lament has been a daily part of my life.  It is a form of speaking to God, crying out to him, knowing that only he holds the answers and solutions.  It is hard to be in a place of lament.  It is not your typical prayer or thought, it is a heartfelt sorrow that does not go away after you have said it.  It is something that I am learning to continually do with Job, David, and now Jeremiah as my examples.  This weekend I did read through Lamentations a few times.  Lamenta...

Dear Emerie, happy 6 months.  I wonder what milestones you would be hitting, if you would have been eating foods yet, and maybe even had some teeth? Would you still have hair, would you be holding yourself up, would you be sleeping through the night?  Who would you look like? Would you constantly smile like me? Would you enjoy bath time and story time?  How would you be?  I know that you are up in heaven, rejoicing with the Lord, but mommy and daddy miss you.  We are very selfish and wish you were here on Earth, even though we know heaven is way better.  I can't believe you've been gone that long, it felt like just yesterday we were at the hospital going through all the craziness.  I know I am still a mommy even if you aren't here on earth.  Sometimes it's hard to see myself that way because I am not doing all the typical things one would be doing with a 6 month old baby.  How would my life be now with you here? Would I be working or not? Wou...

2017 is here. Wow. At times I felt as if last year was never going to come to an end.  At other times, I wanted time to stand still because I wasn't ready to move on from Emerie's passing. So what do I feel today, January 1st, 2017? Not much different. I face this year without my daughter, who I thought would be here.  I face a year of continual grieving and challenges that come along with losing a baby.  I face Emerie's first birthday in 7 months. Before I get carried away, let me write about my last few days here in CA. Let me touch on something good that happened at the end of 2016. My sister got married and actually my cousin got engaged, so that was a great way to end such a tough year. My sister's wedding was great because I got to see relatives that I had not seen in a long time.  It was so much fun to be there with family and friends celebrating my sister.  I do have to admit that it was very stressful and my anxiety was really high.  However, I t...